This is the second essay in my Fatherhood in Chaos Series.
Click here to read part one.
What kind of man can take the chaos of this world and seek to bring things into order? Parenting, much like ministry, is not lived out in ideal situations but in the reality and chaos of living in a fallen world. As a parent of children with disabilities, chaos seems to be multiplied, much like it is in ministry. The point isn’t how to eliminate the chaos. The point is becoming the kind of man who can faithfully lead his family when the chaos comes.
Paul answers this question in Titus 1 as he tells Titus to appoint elders and gives them the qualifications of a godly man who is able to do this.
The first qualification is above reproach.
“If anyone is above reproach, the husband of one wife, and his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination.”
— Titus 1:6 (ESV)
Whether parenting children with disabilities, parenting in general, leading a church, or engaging in any form of leadership, nothing sinks the collective boat faster than the personal failure of the leader.
As a father, if you are given to any major charge of sin or a repetitive, unrepentant pattern of sin, it will sink you and your family. It will take control over everything until it is dealt with. If you are open to charges of adultery, that takes you out of the game when it comes to leading well. If you are given to greed, it will consume you and take you away from leading your family with integrity.
Above reproach, or blameless, does not mean sinless. Rather, it describes someone whose character is not open to legitimate accusation. He does not allow sin to take root and spread, bringing his character and conduct into legitimate question.
So much of this happens in the privacy of your own heart. By the time it is visible to your kids and wife, it already has its grips on you. If it has spread far enough to bring public notice from the outside world, it has thoroughly gotten out of control.
It has been my experience that men who cheat on their spouses do not start out with that intention. They give in to their lusts in thousands and thousands of little ways before the affair ever begins. If a man is arrested for brawling or abuse of any kind, you can be pretty sure that this was not the first time he allowed his anger to get the best of him.
To be open to a charge cuts your legs out from under you and inhibits you from faithfully moving forward.
An Overseer as God’s Steward
This is the only characteristic that is repeated in this passage.
“For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain.”
— Titus 1:7 (ESV)
An overseer, in its original form, means one who exercises oversight, who inspects and supervises others. As a term for a pastor, it describes someone who has oversight over the whole congregation. He will give an account for them. As fathers, we will give an account for overseeing our families.
To fail to provide oversight and care for one’s family is ultimately to fail.
For those with children with disabilities, or for families experiencing extra strain caused by illness, disability, or additional care needed during a season or throughout a whole life, the father’s own character matters. If the father is open to blame and refuses to confront his own sin, it will drag him and his children down with him.
Even in my house, with two nonverbal children, I have found that my patterns, sins, and ultimately my overall vibe echo throughout the house. If I am not above reproach, I will not set the tone for my home, and the disorder will only spiral.
We are God’s stewards over people made in His image. As fathers of children with disabilities, we are stewards not only of precious souls but also of those for whom Jesus made clear that His heart is especially sensitive.
One of the sharpest warnings Jesus gives is reserved for anyone who leads little ones astray. In the prophets, some of the sharpest judgments against the nation come because of a lack of care for the downcast and afflicted.
Our stewardship of the family God has entrusted to us requires that we use every resource He has given us to promote what most glorifies Him and points everyone in our family closer to Him. We steward the money He gives us for His glory in our homes. We steward our strength and our health for the same purpose. We will stand before God and give an account for how we provide for our families and care for them. Being above reproach is the character necessary to do that. Without pursuing the wisdom of being above reproach in all areas of life, we will fail to steward this gracious gift God has given us in our wives and children.
Paul gives one of the sharpest warnings for God’s stewards of the home:
“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
— 1 Timothy 5:8 (ESV)
To faithfully lead our families from disorder into order is to make certain we are above reproach.
How to Be Above Reproach
See Your Temptation and Run
You most likely already know what tempts you in this life. You know what looks delightful to your eye but, in the end, brings death. For you, it might be your anger, lust, pride, substances, gossip, slander, or whatever else.
The next time you fall into any form of unrighteousness, work your way backward through it. Perform the autopsy and see what led to the death you are facing right now.
James 1 says:
“But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”
— James 1:14–15 (ESV)
Was it that quick glance? Was it a lack of self-control? Was it a lack of love? Was it lifting yourself up above others?
Our sin is so often deeply rooted within us. When we repent, we often fail to see the idolatry that lies beneath it all. The harsh word that we spring on our wife didn’t just happen. It happened because we sat in that bitterness.
We were embittered because we refused to “believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things.” We refused because we told ourselves the lie that we were being disrespected or not listened to. We lied to ourselves because we believed that we were the final judge and authority of right and wrong in our lives. We rejected God as the sovereign ruler of our affairs.
At its root, our temptation was to turn aside from trusting God and seeing Him as all-sufficient.
See Your Sin and Weep
Being above reproach or blameless does not mean being sinless. Rather, it means that sin does not become a pattern for which you can be publicly accused of that behavior. How are you known by those around you? The person who sins and then repents quickly and thoroughly is not defined by those actions. They do not allow temptation to take such deep root in their souls.
John writes:
“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.”
— 1 John 1:8–2:2 (ESV)
We have an advocate with the Father who hears our pleas and sees our cries. If we desire to be the fathers who can bring chaos into order, we must be the kind of men who take ownership of our own actions and are the first and quickest to repent when we have done wrong. This includes repenting to our children, even when we think they don’t understand.
There have been times when God has confronted me with this through the faces of my children. They are clearly disobeying and ignoring the wisdom that I am attempting to give them as a father. Yet, in my response, rather than showing grace or even justice, I respond with unjust wrath.
This has never gotten to the point where I have lashed out at or hurt my children, but I have responded in an unchristlike manner through sharp words or unjust punishments. Or maybe I brought discipline on something that wasn’t disobedience but rather something that simply annoyed me at the time.
As I have shared before, my oldest two are nonverbal, but I know they absorb far more than they let on. In those moments, after I have taken a breath or my wife, the godly helpmate that she is, has drawn my attention to my failure, I pick up my child, embrace them, and apologize. As they get older, I elaborate on this and explain that I am a sinner too, in need of grace upon grace.
I don’t believe that children are punished for the sins of their fathers, but they cannot escape the consequences and patterns laid down by their fathers. To stay above reproach and be blameless means that we must see every single sin. We must repent first to God, remembering that our actions, thoughts, or inaction were what placed our Savior on the cross. Then we must repent to all who were affected by them.
This may mean repenting to your children about how you treat their mother. One thing I try to teach my boys over and over again is that their mother is first and foremost my wife. To disrespect her is to disrespect the woman I chose to love. I joke and tell them, “I did not choose to be your Dad; I chose to be her husband.” If I am not treating their mother with more respect than I call them to show, I am failing.
See Your Weights and Drop Them
The last way I would say to be above reproach is to see your weights and drop them.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.”
— Hebrews 12:1 (ESV)
In Hebrews 12:1, weight is a separate category from sin. In this metaphor, we are called to strip ourselves of anything that would slow us down from following after Christ. Being above reproach requires that we do not give in to sin or temptation, but the weights here are anything that prevents us from running toward Jesus.
There were a great many things that the Apostle Paul said he would or would not do in certain seasons and locations because he desired first and foremost to please God and then to put nothing in the way of others coming to know Christ.
Being above reproach is just as much about the active pursuit of righteousness and pleasing God as it is about not pursuing the things of this world. To be blameless or above reproach means that we regularly lay aside every single weight in front of us to run the race before us.
If there is something that is not sinful but becomes a barrier between you and your child, or between your child and their faith, lay it aside.
An Ongoing Category
As a pastor, I am reminded that this is not just for the interview question but rather for all of life and the rest of my ministry.
As fathers, whatever season of fatherhood we are in, this is part of what godliness looks like. It is beholding the glory of Jesus and allowing Him to transform us from one degree of glory to the next.
Grace for Yourself
Now for the good news.
If you are a believer in Jesus, blamelessness is possible. I did not say sinlessness. Blamelessness is the purpose behind Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection (Colossians 1:22). We are reconciled to God so that we might be presented holy and blameless before Him. God started this work within you, and He is able to bring it to completion.
Remember, as I said earlier, that these are present characteristics. Your effectiveness as a father will be severely hampered if you are not actively living above reproach, but that does not mean you are forever hampered.
Maybe you are reading this and realizing, “Man, I fail in so many ways. I can never be the father God has called me to be.”
Stop it! His grace is sufficient for you.
It doesn’t matter what you have done. There is grace. Not only can God reconcile you with Himself, but He can reconcile you with your children. That is true whether they are three or seventy-three.
Our God is a God who can restore what we have broken. He can lead you and transform you into a man who lives above reproach.