When Fatherhood Humbles You
Fatherhood has been quite a different journey than I expected. Like I have written on here before, I thought before I had kids that I had it all figured out, but reality set in and God humbled me. While the Scriptures do give some direct wisdom on fatherhood:
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” — Ephesians 6:4
Yet a passage I have found myself returning to again and again, both for my parenting and ultimately for my position at the church as a pastor, is Titus 1.
Parenting, much like ministry, is not lived out in ideal situations but in the reality and chaos of living in a fallen world. For me, in ministry, this has meant realizing that all of the goals, dreams, and ideals I set out with after studying Scripture, learning from the wisdom of others, and receiving an education have eventually met the reality of ministering in a fallen world. In ministry, you will face real opposition, minister to real people, and see the church for all of its flaws and beauties.
Parenting hit me with that same humbling reality.
I expected to have my nice, big family and my tiny little mini-mes who were athletic, healthy, and obedient. The reality I have been hit with is that two of my boys have major disabilities, and one of them has major health issues.
Discipline looks different. Family devotions look different. Extracurriculars look different. I have exchanged practices and games for therapies and appointments. Homeschooling has come upon us, and it looks vastly different from what we had thought or hoped.
Putting What Remains in Order
Paul worked diligently to equip his disciples for the work of ministry, but even after he had them with him for months and months, he continued to mentor them. Paul had left Titus in Crete to help put things into order.
“This is why I left you in Crete, so that you might put what remained into order, and appoint elders in every town as I directed you.” — Titus 1:5
To put what remained into order meant establishing qualified leaders within the church. One of the final steps in Paul establishing a church was making sure that it was led by godly men. This is one of two times that Paul gives this instruction; the other is to Timothy in 1 Timothy.
Crete was filled with insubordinate, empty talkers and deceivers. Paul quotes one of the Cretans as saying, “They are always liars, evil beasts, and lazy gluttons.”
The Solution to Disorder
The solution to this disorder within the church is a collection of godly men to oversee God’s house. Overseer, elder, and pastor are all terms for the same office in the New Testament. The solution to a church that lives in the midst of a world that is in disorder is a line of godly men who take responsibility for what God has called them to do and do it well.
As many have pointed out, the characteristics here are not those of some highly polished academic or some miracle-working medicine man. Paul does not state that they must have studied for seven years under the greatest teachers or that they must have performed mighty miracles. Rather, they are to be appointed if they fit the description of a man of God who holds firmly to the word of truth and sound doctrine.
The qualifications Paul gives are largely the qualities of a godly man. There is a particular qualification for the elder that distinguishes the office: he must be able to teach.
“He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” — 1 Timothy 3:4–5
So what does this have to do with parenting?
The Father in the Home
In 1 Timothy 3, the parallel passage to Titus 1, the overseer is one who manages his own household well. If we desire chaos to be put into order within the church, fight back against the evils within our community, and protect the body of Christ, we must be able and willing to do it within our own homes.
Recent studies make clear what is also plain in Scripture: the presence and involvement of a father matters deeply to the health of a family. In a study of 190 couples raising children with chronic illness, greater paternal involvement in managing the child’s illness was associated with better marital satisfaction and family functioning, as well as fewer maternal psychiatric symptoms and less perceived impact of the child’s illness on family functioning.
Men are called and commanded to take responsibility for those under their care, to protect them, and to provide for them. Yet one danger I have seen is fathers of children with disabilities abandoning their families, either formally or in all but name, leaving the entire burden of bringing order to the home on single mothers or on mothers who are already overworked and overburdened.
Fatherhood in a Different Kind of Chaos
For me, as a disability and medical parent, this need to protect, provide, shepherd, and guide is raised to another level.
The chaos that enters the home of a disabled family is sometimes intensified. We are not only battling the lies of the world that come after our children, but also the reality of raising children in a world that was not designed for them. Chaos and affliction come from a different angle, but it is the job of a father of any children, and especially those with disabilities, to pursue godliness. In our own personal holiness, we will find the foundation for faithfully leading our families through that chaos.
The disorder of our lives that has to be brought into order as fathers of children with disabilities is clear. The disorder that most parents are trying to solve is, “How do I take this little human that I have been given responsibility for and train them to become independent and competent enough to make it on their own?”
For disability parents, that concern weighs heavily as well, but with an added layer. For many of us, the goal is not simply to get our children to live on their own. It is figuring out how to get them to the point where they can dress themselves, communicate, use the restroom, or accomplish other things that many parents may take for granted.
A great many things that are simple and handed to parents of typically developing children are labored over diligently through hours of therapy.
In this disordered and chaotic world, how do we hold it all together? How do we lead as godly men?
The reality is that for families like mine, the chaos of the world is multiplied by medical and social complications. Every family needs a leader, but when the situation elevates the level of difficulty, the level of leadership needed to sustain the family is elevated as well.
Fatherhood in Chaos
I write all of this to say that over the next few weeks, one of my weekly articles will be part of a series going through Titus 1:5–9 and discussing how it relates to parenting in general and our journey as disability and medical fathers.
I have found that while there is a lot of writing offering encouragement to parents of children with disabilities, there are very few pastoral resources on shaping who we need to be as Christian men raising vulnerable children in a fallen world.
I want to encourage you that even if your children are perfectly healthy, the applications of these principles in your own life will be beneficial.
The long and short of it is not, “Here is how you navigate the practical ins and outs of IEPs, insurance calls, and doctors’ appointments,” but rather, “How are we to be formed into the men of God who can lead our families through whatever chaos the world throws at us?”