This October I will be speaking at the Disability & The Church tour stop in Jacksonville, Florida, and leading a breakout on how to get your pastor on board with disability ministry. My heart was immediately broken as I read this assignment because I know that on both sides of this discussion, there is hurt and heartache. Good church members have been hurt, and good pastors have missed out, ultimately because of a breakdown in communication. As I began preparing for that breakout, I found myself thinking less about disability ministry and more about something that happens in churches all the time: good church members and good pastors misunderstanding one another. I want to share a taste of that lecture with you. So below, I have laid out a hypothetical scenario to help you think through this.
Your Perspective
There are a variety of different ways this happens. I will give an example.
You are a relatively active church member who, although you are extremely busy between taking care of your aging mother and your three kids, have a passion that has sparked within you as of late. You just put down your second or third book that you have read on the topic of a specific kind of ministry, or just clicked away from the twelfth article that you have read about the subject. You drive down the street, and the Holy Spirit keeps plucking away at your heart, giving you a growing concern for people you know could be blessed if only your church would get on board.
You have tons of ideas and ways that this could succeed and think of all the people that this will bless. The families that could be reached for the gospel, the hurting that could be served. You are ready to take the bull by the horns and get after it. So you pray and send a message:
Hey Pastor, Can I Talk with You?
He responds quickly and lets you know his availability, and you work out a time to meet. You sit down and begin to unload enthusiastically about the need and what could be done. As he begins to ask questions about time, volunteers, budgets, and insurance, you begin to get slightly frustrated. He suggests a related local parachurch ministry that is currently doing something similar, and you try to explain and just ask him to consider it. He says that he will, but several Sundays have gone by and you haven’t heard anything from him.
Your Pastor’s Perspective
Now place yourself within the pastor’s shoes.
It is a Thursday evening around 9 o’clock, and you know your wife is going to be frustrated that the finance committee meeting ran over again. You sit in your car reflecting on some of the flippant words that had been said to you that day, from the frustrated nursery worker who had to serve two weeks in a row, to the rumor that was spread about your family this past week. Just as you are about to exit your car, you hear the bell sounding and see a name pop up with the dreaded words:
Can I talk to you?
This is the second time this week you have received this message, and the first time did not go well. You had been chewed out for forgetting to announce that the second-grade Sunday School would have a new teacher next week. But you respond quickly and set up the meeting and go inside.
The next day, you are attempting to finish up your sermon for Sunday, but the office is busy with serious and joyful needs. A young man comes by just to chat and ends up talking with you for hours, confessing that he has cheated on his spouse. The treasurer comes by to look over the budget and projected earnings and gossip about last night’s meeting. You skip lunch and work through to get your sermon prepared because you know that meeting is coming up.
The nice church member walks in and just starts unloading her desires to start this new ministry. You see the passion and hear the heart behind it, but you have been here before. People with big ideas come just to dump their ministry on you as one more thing that you are not doing. So you ask questions that you know will come up with this ministry. You are seeking to find the answers, and they don’t seem to have them. So you agree you will consider it and they can talk later.
Three weeks go by, four funerals, a wedding, a multitude of hospital visits, and dozens of planned and impromptu meetings going over exactly what you need to do. Then, at the church door, the nice church member stops you as you are shaking hands at the door and asks if you have considered it. You’re stunned and don’t have an answer. She walks away hurt and frustrated. You wonder if she is going to leave the church.
Where It Went Wrong
This story is not intended to cast blame on either, but to paint the reality that often leads to the hurt and miscommunication in situations like these. I have been on both sides of the scenario. As a pastor now, I can recognize the failures of the pastor above, but I can empathize because I know that for every genuine request for a new ministry, there are dozens and dozens, both inside and outside the church, that are not.
The church member was listening to the Lord and the Holy Spirit and trying to discern how they could do ministry. They were being a biblical church member. They were serving as part of the body of Christ. They were seeking to submit to their pastor’s authority and not go around the leadership in starting a private ministry. All of this is to be commended and more.
The pastor is honestly carrying far too much, but this is honestly where so many pastors are right now. He was right in asking questions and seeking wisdom and insight on what the particular ministry is and if it is right for the church. He asked questions, making sure that the church is not duplicating what another church is doing. He recognized the need and did not shut the person down.
Where it all broke down was in the gaps. The communication of each was missing the heart behind the other. The pastor was carrying the burdens of everything and filtering that conversation through that lens. The church member was excited but also was not aware of the knowledge and passion gap and is disappointed that the pastor was not as excited as they were.
Guide for Your Approach
1. Remember Your Pastor Is Just a Man
Your pastor is not going to know everything about your ministry idea, and he may not immediately see what you see. Remember that he is a man who is trying to faithfully shepherd the church with the knowledge and understanding that he has.
2. Clearly Communicate Your Idea Before Meeting
Do not make your pastor try to pull the idea out of you through twenty questions. Clearly communicate what you are seeing, why you believe it matters, and what you think this ministry could look like before you ever sit down with him. A pro tip: don’t ask just to talk. Ask, “Can I meet with you about __________ ministry opportunity? I just finished reading __________ and want to work together.”
3. Be Prepared for Questions
When your pastor starts asking questions about volunteers, budgets, insurance, space, or time, do not assume that he is trying to shut the idea down. These are the questions he is responsible for asking, and you should be prepared to help him find the answers.
4. Clearly Communicate Your Commitment to Serve
One of the biggest questions your pastor is probably asking is, “Who is going to do this?” Be willing to communicate clearly that you are not simply bringing another ministry for your pastor to add to his list, but that you are willing to serve and help make it happen.
Your pastor cannot and should not do everything, but he is called to equip and serve alongside others. Paul reminds us that pastors and teachers are given “to equip the saints for the work of ministry” (Eph. 4:11–12). The goal isn’t for your pastor to do the ministry for you. Part of his responsibility is to equip you to do the work of ministry. Letting him know that someone will help carry the load will make him more likely to be willing to help.
5. Be Willing to Start Small
Be willing to start small, serve the families God has already placed in front of you, and allow the ministry to grow as the Lord provides people, resources, and opportunities. Don’t try to take on more than you can handle, but seek to grow within the structure you are planted in.
Conclusion
I realize this is assuming the best of intentions from both the church member and the pastor, and that definitely isn’t always the case. Your ministry idea may be great, but it may not be the right time or the right place. It may be misguided or not realistic. Your pastor may be theologically in the wrong or personally in the wrong.
But before you get to any of these things, having a clear view of the communication can help both of you work this out together.
As Jesus prayed to the Father in John 17:
“That they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.” — John 17:21