Having a child, especially a child with a disability, has a remarkable way of humbling you. When my oldest was born, I was confronted with the reality that this completely dependent image-bearer relied on me and his mother for absolutely everything in his life. Children confront us with the reality that life is not about us but about loving and supporting others.

This is why, when someone harms or neglects a child, our instinctive reaction is disgust and anger. I remember when my oldest was born and received his Vitamin K shot. The nurse asked for my permission and explained why he needed it. I consented, then watched as she stabbed that needle into my son. Immediately, all rationality seemed to rush out of my brain. It took everything in me not to tackle that little ninety-pound nurse because she had hurt my baby.

From my wife, I understand that mothers often experience this sense of care and protection from the womb. For fathers, however, it often comes in that hospital room, in the moment when we lock eyes with and hold that little baby for the first time. We feel the weight of that responsibility, and it overwhelms us.

Yet, as the long days and nights creep in and the lack of sleep begins to test our sanctification, pride, selfishness, and anger begin to creep in as well. We start to feel that our own will and our desire for sleep, food, rest, and other comforts ought to take priority over the needs of our wives and children. Faithful fathers must fight this impulse and overcome it little by little.

When my second child was born, within just a few short days we found ourselves spending our nights inside the CVICU as we waited for emergency open-heart surgery. The love and fear of that season overcame so much of the pride in my own heart, but it eventually began to creep back in. The arguments that once revolved around middle-of-the-night diaper changes became arguments about who was going to turn off the feeding pump and who was going to check the heart monitor. As medical parenting gave way to disability parenting, I discovered that whatever arrogance remained in me would fester and infect nearly every area of my life.

The crisis of medical parenting or disability parenting does not solve the heart issues within us. Instead, it often covers them up for a season only to reveal them later.

Parenting in chaos and bringing order to that chaos requires us to fight against our sin and put it to death. Paul writes in Romans 8:13, “For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.” This is not an optional exercise for the Christian father. We are called to put sin to death.

Arrogance is one of those sins that we find foul and disgusting in others but excuse endlessly in ourselves. Watching a husband disrespect his wife in public makes our stomach turn. Watching a man habitually choose his hobbies over his children brings scorn. Hearing harsh words come out of someone else’s mouth shocks us. Yet when the conviction of another person’s sin arises in our hearts, we are often just as quick to manufacture excuses for our own. The harsh words that shock us in someone else’s mouth are somehow justified when they come from ours.

We must truly recognize the enemy before us if we are going to strike him down with the sword. If we believe him to be a friend, how difficult will it be to land the blow?

Look to Christ in all the beauty of His humility. He stepped out of heaven and pursued not His own earthly pleasure but our salvation. He laid aside His heavenly glory and took upon Himself our suffering. He put on our flesh and took on Himself not the form of a king or prince but the form of a servant, born into the backwaters of the Roman Empire. He endured not the silent death of a well-preserved man passing gently in his sleep but the horrific death of the cross.

If anyone deserved true joy and true pleasure, it was the Lord of heaven’s armies. He is the one before whom angels hide their faces because the glory of His holiness is too much for them to behold. Yet He humbled Himself for us.

He did this to bring us into the promises found in the rest of Romans 8. We have been given not merely a clean slate but adoption as sons. We have been promised an inheritance with Christ, the Spirit’s help in our weakness, God’s sovereign work for our good, and the assurance that nothing can separate us from His love. Our ultimate glorification is not a distant possibility but the destiny God has secured for His people.

If Christ went so low to bring us so high, how can we refuse to put to death our pride and self-will?

One of my recurring temptations is my struggle with change. Since my son’s diagnosis with Level 3 autism, my own childhood diagnosis of Asperger’s, now generally classified within Level 1 autism, has become clearer and clearer to me. One of the difficulties many autistic people experience is a tendency toward rigid thinking and a strong attachment to schedules and expectations.

I often find that I can become extremely angry when the plans I have constructed in my head change. Sometimes I have not even communicated those plans to anyone else. Other times, those plans are based on a complete misunderstanding or my own lack of attention. While the wiring in my brain helps explain why I respond this way, it does not excuse my actions or my response to those emotions.

I must learn to distinguish between the difficulty I experience and the sin I am tempted to commit in response to it. My neurological wiring may help explain why a change in plans feels so overwhelming, but it does not give me permission to respond with arrogance, anger, or selfishness. I am still responsible for how I treat my wife and children. I must put to death the self-seeking nature of my heart, even when doing so requires me to fight against deeply ingrained patterns of thinking and responding.

As a pastor with young children with disabilities, my schedule lacks almost any sense of stability. Between fourteen different standing appointments, funerals, hospital visits, immediate church needs, phone calls, nursing schedules, church events, and whatever additional things I commit to without considering my own mortality or need for sleep, there is rarely a predictable day.

This means that when I arrive home, there are times when conversations with my wife about our plans have slipped through the cracks. I walk through the door expecting to shift into dad mode and simply survive the evening routine, only to discover that my wife has a dentist appointment and our nurse has taken the night off because it is her anniversary. Now all of it falls on me.

When I walk through that door and the plans I made for myself fall apart, I am forced to make a choice. I can take up the sword of the Spirit and put my own will to death, or I can give myself over to my emotions and take an already difficult situation and make it considerably worse.

You see, the character required for fathering in chaos can either steady a home being tossed about by a storm or sit pouting next to the helm. Rather than taking hold of the wheel and steering the ship through the storm, we can spin it around like the giant wheel on *The Price Is Right*, throwing our family into even greater chaos.

Chaos caused by disability or medical parenting can become an instrument of God’s grace because it amplifies the consequences of failing to govern our own souls. The stakes are higher. Our selfishness does not simply inconvenience us; it burdens a wife who is already exhausted and children who are already dependent upon us. Our anger does not exist in isolation; it adds another storm to a home already weathering several.

The chaos does not excuse our sin. It exposes it. And by God’s grace, it gives us another opportunity to put it to death.

Other Articles in This Series

Fatherhood in Chaos Part 1

A Father Above Reproach: Fatherhood in Chaos Part 2

Don’t Make Her Carry it Alone: Fatherhood in Chaos Part 3

His Children are Believers: Fatherhood in Chaos Part 4

Diving deep into theology and church history while I was in Bible college led me to discover the deep and valuable tradition of family discipleship. It is a tradition that goes back a long way.

Matt Chandler and Adam Griffin, in their book Family Discipleship, divide the practice into three segments based on where it occurs: Time, Moments, and Milestones. Time is intentional, planned discipleship time with your children, either daily or weekly. Moments involve leveraging everyday moments to have gospel-centered conversations with your children. Milestones involve marking and celebrating certain occasions around significant spiritual milestones.

This is just one framework among many that have been encouraging this very practice for a long time, even if it remained unnamed. The classic term for this practice was Family Worship.

Pastors and theologians from long ago developed creeds, catechisms, and confessions as a way to teach not only the adults in their congregations but also their children. The Reformers and Puritans encouraged family worship, which included singing hymns and psalms, reading and teaching Scripture, and praying together.

This practice is not prescribed in Scripture as one particular format or length of time, but it is a way to fulfill so many of the commands given throughout Scripture. Deuteronomy 6:4–9 commands parents to teach God’s words diligently to their children, speaking of them throughout the rhythms of everyday life. Psalm 78:4–7 reminds us of our responsibility to tell the next generation about the mighty works of God. Ephesians 6:4 instructs fathers to bring their children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Yet what do you do when your children are too little to understand? What do you do when you have a wide variety of ages? What do you do when you have two nonverbal kids and a toddler? How do I have this hour-long, somber, and holy worship service in my house when my kids cannot sit still for longer than just a couple of minutes?

Like so much of life, the reality does not always match the ideal.

When this happens, and we try and try and fail and fail, Satan can have a field day. He loves to wiggle through the open doors of our perfectionism and use it to cast us down into self-righteous destruction. We begin to believe that because we cannot do family worship like our heroes of the faith, we must be failing and disappointing God in our leadership of our families.

What I have learned over these last few years is that family discipleship does not have to be this crazy, complicated thing. We simply have to pass along the love that we have for our God to our children.

I want to show you what Time, Moments, and Milestones looks like when your family is not typical and the situations are not ideal.

Time: Judah and the Headphones

For my family, Time does not look like a twenty-minute devotional and prayer time. Instead, it looks like reading a Bible story multiple times throughout the week, praying every night at dinner, and singing worship songs to Jesus on the daily. It comes in the rhythm of life and not necessarily on a planned schedule.

We don’t have a formal catechism time, but with my toddler, we regularly review the first catechism questions as we go. We discuss Jesus and salvation and sing “Jesus Loves Me.”

My older autistic son finally started using the headphones and ear protection we had gotten him. The other day, I was listening on repeat to the Scripture passage I was preaching on using the Music Bible app, which takes passages of Scripture and turns them into songs so that you can meditate on and memorize them.

I was wearing my big headphones, and it was 5 in the morning. I was doing my devotional by listening to Scripture, praying, and watching my son, who had woken up at 3 AM, to make sure he was happy and safe.

He snuck up behind me and stole my headphones. Second Corinthians 6 was playing on a loop, and I watched for the next twenty minutes as he walked around dancing and laughing with joy. I could barely hear what he was listening to, but I laughed and danced with joy, too.

Now we almost have this as a routine. I wait until he takes my headphones, put on the Scripture, and we laugh and dance to the Word of God.

Moments: Ransom and the Fart Noises

But if I am honest, in my house, it can get quite weird, even with my typically developing toddler.

The other day, I asked my three-year-old if he would want to come and pray with me.

“I don’t know how to pray. Will you teach me?”

“Bro, we pray every day.”

“Okay, I will pray with you.”

He then crawled up to me, proceeded to hold my hand, and looked at me so sweetly as I prayed. As I closed, he said, “Amen,” and then proceeded to make fart noises and laugh.

Having a son who can talk and converse about God is so amazing. It is one of the greatest joys of my life. It is also absolutely hilarious. My son bounces between acknowledging deep theological truths and uttering utter unintended heresy.

As someone who hasn’t been able to converse with my older two sons, I will not waste this time. I will not avoid it. I will not shame him. I will laugh and rejoice and live in these moments.

Deuteronomy 6:7 reminds us that teaching our children God’s commands happens as we sit in our houses, walk by the way, lie down, and rise. Discipleship doesn’t have to wait for a scheduled devotional. Sometimes it happens while sitting on the floor, holding hands, and even making fart noises.

Milestones: Knox and Celebrating Milestones

Milestones are amazing opportunities for discipleship in your home. In the typical home, they can occur around big birthdays, learning to drive, sports, camping, and preparing for marriage. But how do you disciple through milestones when they look drastically different in your home?

My middle son is extremely medically complex. There was a time when we were told he would not make it to his first birthday. There was a time when we were told he wouldn’t make it to his fifth birthday. He turns six years old this month, and we don’t know how long he will live.

He didn’t walk until he was almost four. He still hasn’t really spoken his first word. He may never. He may never drive. He might not turn ten or sixteen. He most likely will never graduate high school or college. He most likely won’t get married and will probably live with us all of his life.

So what milestones do we celebrate?

Heartiversary. Medical milestones. Birthdays. Delayed milestones.

Each year, we celebrate and remember the moments of God’s healing grace like it’s nobody’s business. Like many CHD (congenital heart disease) families, we celebrate the anniversaries. We remember the second chances and tell our son, especially on these days, how grateful I am to be his dad.

In the Old Covenant, God gave His people multiple opportunities throughout the year to celebrate and remember the moments of His saving grace. In Exodus 12:24–27, God instructed His people to observe the Passover so that future generations would remember what He had done in delivering them from Egypt. In Joshua 4:6–7, the Israelites set up memorial stones so that their children would ask about them and hear the story of God’s faithfulness.

It is healthy to do this in our homes as well.

Our milestones look different, but when they hit, we celebrate bigger and louder. We save these memories so that we can share them each year with our children and tell them how God worked and is working in our lives.

Conclusion

Your family discipleship does not have to look perfect. But it is a joy and a privilege to pass along your love of God to the next generation. Don’t waste it.

I long for the days when my kids can talk to me about their doubts and fears and when I can give them God’s Word. So while they cannot always sit still, ask questions, or respond, I will still set a pattern of love, joy, and celebration.

If you have a typically developing child or a child with a disability, please hear me: you can do this with God’s strength.

If you are interested I write poetry and fiction on my other page, Niggles Leaves. Here are some recent poems.

5:30 AM

A Coffin Small and White

This Weeks Recommendations

Family Discipleship By Matt Chandler

Unexpected Blessings by Sandra Peoples (Free on Kindle+)


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Titus 1:6c: “And his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination.”

This is one of the more complicated qualifications for an elder because it forces us to hold several truths together. Salvation is wholly a work of God. We cannot force anyone to believe in Jesus, not even our own children. We also cannot make choices for other people. So how can a man be disqualified from eldership if his children are unbelievers? There are several interpretations of this passage.

The phrase translated “his children are believers” comes from the Greek tekna echōn pista (τέκνα ἔχων πιστά). The question centers on the word pista, which can mean either “believing” or “faithful.” One interpretation is that an elder’s children must be regenerate believers. The problem with this interpretation is that it seems to place the responsibility for their salvation on their parents.

Douglas Wilson summarizes the first view quite succinctly: “if a man’s children fall away from the faith (either doctrinally or morally), he is at that point disqualified from formal ministry in the church.” Alexander Strauch offers another interpretation: “The contrast is made not between believing and unbelieving children, but between obedient, respectful children and lawless, uncontrolled children.” What is at stake, Strauch suggests, is “the children’s behavior, not their eternal state.”

I lean toward Strauch’s interpretation because of what Paul says next. He describes the children as not being open to charges of debauchery or insubordination. Both descriptions have to do with their conduct. Paul seems to be concerned with how a father’s children behave rather than requiring proof that they have been regenerated.

Regardless of which interpretation is correct, fathers have a responsibility to disciple their children. We should want our children to share our faith, regardless of their disabilities or limitations. I have two nonverbal children and one typical child, and I pray that each of them will profess Christ as Lord and Savior as soon as they are able. We cannot guarantee our children’s salvation, but that does not excuse us from teaching, correcting, and discipling them. Our responsibility is to point them toward Christ and trust God with the work only He can do.

Law and Gospel

Fathers and the Law

What is our responsibility as fathers of children with disabilities? How do we bring order into the chaos of our homes? The qualifications Paul gives for an elder help us think through our responsibilities as fathers, but we also need to consider what the rest of Scripture teaches about raising our children.

Debauchery describes a life in which someone has abandoned restraint and no longer cares about his actions. Insubordination is the refusal to obey.

Our ultimate goal as fathers is to see our children standing beside us for all eternity, worshiping the King of kings and Lord of lords. We also have more immediate responsibilities. We want to raise our children to develop a Christian conscience and become obedient and upright citizens. These things matter because God’s law teaches us what is good and exposes what is wrong.

In Galatians 3:19–29, Paul explains the purpose of the law. He writes that “the law was our guardian until Christ came, in order that we might be justified by faith” (Galatians 3:24). The law cannot save us. It exposes our sin and shows us our need for Christ.

Our children, including those with disabilities, are born fallen into a fallen world. My middle son has Williams syndrome, a genetic condition often associated with an unusually social and outgoing disposition, sometimes described as “those who love too much.” He is intellectually disabled and completely non-speaking. But he can also be naughty.

He will cry when he does not get his way, and he will pull his brothers’ hair. He still struggles to stand or walk for long periods of time, but if one of his brothers tries to take his tablet, he becomes an untrained jiu-jitsu master. He has no scruples about biting or pulling hair. Even he needs to learn and be taught to Love God and to Love others.

Our children need to learn what is right and wrong. The law shows them their sin and their need for salvation. It cannot give them new hearts, but it does teach them that they need Christ.

The book of Proverbs has plenty to say about raising children. Proverbs 1:8–9 tells children to listen to their father’s instruction and their mother’s teaching. Proverbs 13:24 addresses the parent’s responsibility to discipline. Proverbs 22:6 speaks about training a child in the way he should go, while Proverbs 22:15 reminds us that foolishness is bound up in a child’s heart and that discipline is necessary. Proverbs 29:15 connects correction with wisdom, and Proverbs 29:17 calls parents to discipline their children so that they may have rest and bring delight to their parents.

Fathers are not called to sit back and hope their children turn out well. We are responsible for teaching, correcting, and disciplining them. That responsibility does not disappear when a child has a disability. It may change how we teach and correct, but we are still called to pursue what is good for our children.

Our children need parents that will share with them the Law of God.

Fathers and the Gospel

We cannot force our children to believe the gospel of Jesus Christ. But that does not mean we sit back and wait for them to figure things out on their own. Both the Old and New Testaments command parents to teach their children about God.

Psalm 78:1–8 calls one generation to tell the next about the works and praises of the Lord so that they might set their hope in God. Ephesians 6:4 commands fathers to bring their children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Paul also reminds Timothy that, from childhood, he had known the sacred writings that were able to make him wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus (2 Timothy 3:14–15).

Godly manhood and godly fatherhood begin with the gospel and end with the gospel. If the gospel of Jesus Christ has transformed us, and if we have seen the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ, then we ought to want our children to know Him, too.

There is a lie from Satan that I think has become far too common among Christian parents: the idea that we cannot force religion on our kids. Of course, there are harmful ways to pass along religion. We can raise legalistic little Larrys or rebellious Rebas. But the solution is not to let our children decide whether they want to go to church or whether they want to participate in family worship.

As fathers, this comes down to what we love and what matters most to us. If you love something, you want your children to love it, too. That is true of the little things, like our sports fandoms and hobbies, and it is true of the bigger things, like our families and our faith.

My children were not born wearing orange and blue, but they have worn plenty of cute Florida Gators outfits over the years. Our Saturdays in the fall involve watching the Gators take us on an emotional roller coaster. We cheer and chomp and shout, “Go Gators!” We sing Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” at the top of our lungs.

When I watch those games, I think about the times I spent with my father. I remember the games we attended, the Saturdays spent watching Steve Spurrier dominate Georgia, and, as I got older, watching Tim Tebow be the most electric college football player of all time.

My dad loved the Gators, and I love my dad. His love for the Gators rubbed off on me. Now I am watching the same thing happen with my sons. I love the Gators, and they are starting to love the Gators, too.

Yet unlike Florida football, which will convince you that we are back after the first four games before losing back-to-back games to subpar SEC teams, Christ will not let my children down.

The law shows our children their need for salvation, but the gospel tells the story of God rescuing us when we could not rescue ourselves. Jesus has won the victory over sin, Satan, and death. In Him, we see the glory of God. Christ will not let my children down, and the gospel provides what the law never could. The law can show us our sin, but it cannot rescue us from the consequences of our failure to keep it. Jesus does what we cannot do for ourselves. He is our only hope of escaping the darkness, death, and destruction that sin brings. This should cause our hearts to explode with love and praise.

The more I love Jesus, the more I will celebrate Jesus. The more I love Jesus, the more I will brag about His bride, the church, with my children. The more I love Jesus, the more I will teach my children to pray to the One who has heard me over and over again. And the more I love Jesus, the more I will share with my children what He has done for me and for them.

Our children need parents that will share with them the Law of God but even more our children need Fathers that are so in love with God because of the gospel that they joyfully pass along that love to their children.

Previous Articles in Series

Fatherhood in Chaos Part 1

A Father Above Reproach: Fatherhood in Chaos Part 2

Don’t Make Her Carry it Alone: Fatherhood in Chaos Part 3

This article functions as an application of Philippians 3:15–17:

[15] Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. [16] Only let us hold true to what we have attained. [17] Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us.

Spurgeon published the following in his collection entitled Flowers from a Puritan’s Garden, in which he comments on the quotations of the Puritan Thomas Manton, who is commenting on Philippians 3:15 from the Apostle Paul. I, in turn, want to comment on and add to Spurgeon’s comments here and speak to the application of this truth in my own context. This is me seeking to follow Spurgeon as he follows Manton, who follows Paul, who follows Christ. Although each of our words must be judged by our faithfulness to God’s Word, we can still find, in exposition upon exposition upon exposition, not a lessening of the truth but an expanding of the application of truth.

Although we cannot love their weaknesses, yet we must love the weak and bear with their infirmities, not breaking the bruised reed. Infants must not be turned out of the family because they cry and are unquiet and troublesome. Although they are crabby and irritable, we must bear it with gentleness and patience, as we do the irritability of the sick; if they revile, we must not revile again, but must seek gently to restore them, despite all their disparagements. — Thomas Manton

This patience is far too rare. We do not make enough allowances for our fellows, but sweepingly condemn those whom we should encourage with our sympathy. If we are irritable ourselves, we blame the weather, a headache, our natural temperament, or annoying circumstances. We are never at a loss for an excuse for ourselves, so why should not the same cleverness be used by our kindness in inventing excuses and reasons for others? It is a pity to carry on the trade of apology-making entirely for home consumption; let us also supply others. It is true that they are very annoying, but if we suffered half as much as some of our irritable friends have to endure, we would be even more aggravating. Think in many cases of their ignorance, their unfortunate bringing up, their poverty, their depression of spirit, and their home surroundings, and compassion will come to the help of patience. We are sympathetic to a person who has a sore toe, and cannot we extend the feeling to those who have an irritable soul? Our Lord will be angry with us if we are harsh to His little ones whom He loves, nor will He be pleased if we are unkind to His poor afflicted children with whom He wants us to be doubly tender. We ourselves need from Him ten times more consideration than we show to our brethren. For His sake, we should be vastly more patient than we are. Think how patient He has been to us, and let our hard-heartedness be confessed as no little sin. — Charles Spurgeon

How quick we are to respond harshly to those who annoy or harass us, whether they are children, youth, the intellectually disabled, or those from a different background. The longer I have been in ministry, the more I find that those whom people may be quick to dismiss or belittle often have far harsher backgrounds than I could have ever imagined. What I perceived as disobedience in a youth is often a cry for attention and care.

When some people look at my child with autism, they see that he does not meet their eyes. When they see his meltdown, they believe it to be a tantrum. I myself struggle to perceive the difference at times. What kindness and compassion the Savior has shown me! So, what kindness and compassion should I be called to show others?

When I see a small lamb begin to wander, do I search diligently and compassionately attempt to call them back into the fold, or are harshness and abuse quick to come to my mind and lips?

Our Lord will be angry if we are harsh with His little ones. The millstone is prepared for the neck of the one who causes the little ones to stumble. Those harassed and beaten down by this world are seen and known by the Savior of the world. The whole of Scripture proclaims that God is a Father to the fatherless.

The law proclaims:

Leviticus 19:14: “You shall not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block before the blind, but you shall fear your God: I am the LORD.”

The fear of their Father and the One who loves them should cause us to tremble. Jesus, who flipped tables and is coming back in His wrath against those who abuse and malign the weak, will call all men to give an account for how they treated the weak.

The apostle Paul, in the passage Manton is commenting on, writes:

Philippians 3:14–15: “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.”

Those who lack maturity but are still in Christ, those who are weak in an area, those infants in Christ, the downcast and broken by the world, and those with great baggage and burdens need faithful and mature brothers to imitate in love. They do not need prideful, boastful brothers who cast down scorn and set up barriers.

The longer I live, the more I learn that even the weaker parts of my body are essential. A toothache can bring me to my knees, and a stubbed pinky toe can almost lead me to swearing. As a body, we are all connected.

Those of us who may be stronger must care for and protect the weak, the young, and the innocent, lest the entire body be in pain. We must remember our own weakness and Christ’s own patience with us. As Spurgeon said, “For His sake, we should be vastly more patient than we are. Think how patient He has been to us, and let our hard-heartedness be confessed as no little sin.”

Books I am Reading this Week

On Tuesdays, I’ll share books I’m reading and recommend you pick up, too. I’ll link to the cheapest edition I can find. If you’d like more recommendations, feel free to reach out!

The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Letters of John Newton

Beyond Suffering by Joni & Friends (This is a link to the full course but a version is available for free to Kindle+ members.)

Families affected by disability and medical complexity do not have special needs; they have human needs with far more barriers between them and the resources they require. The weight of medical and disability parenting often falls heaviest on moms. In my experience, it is the moms fighting in IEP meetings, serving in their churches’ disability ministries, and handling insurance calls, medical appointments, and therapies. While sharing these responsibilities is crucial to a family’s functioning, the multiplying demands can increase the strain on a marriage and become a foothold Satan uses to tear down a home.

When the burdens of disability multiply, a husband’s faithfulness to his wife becomes all the more important.

Marriage Is Not Hard, Life Is Hard: There Is a Difference

Your marriage was designed by God to be a beautiful gift of delight and joy, and yet many speak of it as something of a suffering crucible. However, I want to push back on this. The strain that having a medically complex or disabled child can place on a family can make life much harder, but it does not have to make marriage harder.

If you are hiking up a hill, there are things that are ridiculous to carry and things that are necessities. I am not an outdoorsman by any stretch of the word, but I recognize that if you are walking a trail and intend to camp along the way, there are necessary supplies that you absolutely need. The longer the trip, the more supplies you need, and yet the heavier they become.

To switch to something I know a little better, my wife and I invested in a WonderFold wagon early in our disability journey. When we are out in public with our kids, we have a ton of supplies that are needed. You have the standard diapers, wipes, and change of clothes, but with us, the weight is often increased by chewies, toys, seizure meds, bottles, an AED machine, NG tube supplies, feeding pumps, backup seizure meds, and things that I know I am leaving off this list because my wife often carries the burden of packing.

Once you add three active boys and all the supplies, that gets to be around three hundred pounds of weight that we are just pushing through Target. But the moment there is a crisis in the form of a fecal emergency or, God forbid, a seizure or cardiac event, all that weight becomes a blessing in that very instant.

You see, the burdens that you have to carry are blessings, and blessings are burdens. A marriage in and of itself is not difficult. A marriage affected by disability is not difficult; it is burdensome. You can either choose to avoid the burdens and suffer the consequences or carry them with joy alongside a partner who walks with you.

A Man’s Role in Leading

In Ephesians 5:25, Paul writes:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

A man is called to sacrificially model the gospel in his home every single day by pursuing, loving, delighting in, caring for, and supporting his wife. He leads her by living under the Word of God and faithfully pointing his household to Christ.

In homes with complex medical situations, this need is all the more prevalent. If chaos and false teaching can slip into the church easily, how much more can they slip into a home affected by disability?

The number of lies and discouraging things our wives hear when disability and sickness enter the home multiplies exponentially, both from outside the church and inside. There are those who encourage moms pregnant with children predisposed to disability to abort their children. There are those who devalue and disinvite your children from events, family functions, and even the local church. A Godly man who knows the word of God must be there to love his wife and to speak the truth of God’s word over the situation.

What Does It Look Like in Reality?

The ideal marriage and ideal parenting strategy go out the window when crunched by the weight of disability ministry. You may not have time for weekly date nights, babysitting is nearly impossible to find, and even the weight of all of it may just be too much as things stand right now. God did not call us to try to add more and more to our calendars and fit in time for the perfect marriage. He has called us to be faithful with what we have and where we have it.

Priorities become crucial for disability and medical families. What absolutely needs to get done to fulfill what you have been called to do? As a man, your job in taking dominion over your space is clear.

God has not given you more to do than you are called to do. God has given you exactly the right amount of time to be as faithful as He expects of you. He has not, on the other hand, given us the exact amount of time to do everything we want to do or believe we are able to do. I have found this both in disability ministry and in parenting: there are an infinite number of options for good things that we can do with our lives, and an infinite number of ways that we can waste our lives. But there is a real and finite amount of time that we can steward well and faithfully.

Go Toward the Pain

This is true with your wife, your children, and yourself. For your wife, you see where she is hurting, struggling, and grieving, and like Christ, you move toward that pain in loving compassion. You bring relief and provision to the very best of your ability. You listen before you attempt to solve. You care before you act. Jesus modeled this in His ministry. He did not walk through towns and villages shooting finger-gun miracles at people. He heard their cries, had compassion upon them, and His compassion moved Him toward their pain and brought relief. He placed Himself alongside people and brought them what they needed.

For yourself, it means that you willingly allow yourself to be the one who bears the brunt of the hurt surrounding your child as often as you are able. If that means being the one who makes the difficult calls and argues with insurance, you do that. That means showing up at IEP meetings. It means being the one who has the difficult conversation when it is needed.

Intercede Fiercely

It is a reality of this world that I have come to accept that there are ways my wife can move the needle to get things done and there are things I can do that can move the needle. In many spaces, because of the culture we live in, a man and a woman can say the exact same thing in the same way and receive a completely different response.

I am a complementarian by conviction and believe that God has gifted my wife and me with different abilities and different strengths, but that these are compatible. When I go into an IEP meeting and show that I know what I am talking about, my voice sometimes will be received with more weight. Right or wrong, there is a reality to this. There are places and spaces where my wife is able to work more freely. Sometimes this is based upon gender; other times, it is based on knowledge, personality, and skill. But as a good husband in a difficult situation, it is our job to know when it is our job.

We argue and fight for our kids and our spouses fiercely when they are not in the room or cannot speak for themselves. We are modeling biblical manhood when we do this. We are carrying the weight our spouse cannot handle alone.

Pursue Holiness

While this part should be obvious and can be found in just about every other work directed toward men in any situation, you need to pursue your own holiness and flee your youthful passions (2 Timothy 2:22).

If you fail in this category as a faithful husband, you have failed in the rest. You cannot provide support to a wife you are abandoning for a screen. You cannot intercede if you are making time for an emotional or physical affair.

I have a tongue-in-cheek statement that I have said to my wife before about situations where men have given way to unfaithfulness: “If you have time to cheat, you are probably a bad employee and a bad father.”

You made a commitment to the person you told the world you love the most, and you could not keep that commitment. I hope that if you are reading this, you are falling under conviction, repenting, and pursuing what you have already broken. If you are reading this and have never fallen, keep your eyes upon Christ, because the temptation is there. But in the light of the glory of Christ, that temptation can grow strangely dim.

The chaos of disability and medical complexity will bring burdens that you never expected to carry, but you do not have to carry them alone. God has called you to love your wife faithfully, to move toward her pain, to fight for your family, and to pursue holiness even when life feels overwhelming. You will not always get it right, and you will not always have the strength you need, but you can continue to look to Christ for the grace to remain faithful. Your wife does not need a perfect husband who can fix every problem. She needs a faithful husband who will walk beside her through the chaos.

Previous Articles in Series

Fatherhood in Chaos Part 1

A Father Above Reproach: Fatherhood in Chaos Part 2

Each one of my boys loves his nose. My youngest, who is typically developing, is falling prey to the classic game of “Got Your Nose.” My older two both think it is hilarious when I “boop” them on their noses. We sing “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes,” with the classic second verse, “Eyes, ears, mouth, and nose.” I pull the classic dad move of pausing and letting them shout the last word.
“NOSE!”

When I was a child, I had a rather large nose. I have since relatively grown into it, but to this day, when I look at my nose and perhaps flare my nostrils in the mirror, I think back to the mocking I endured. I recently came across a G. K. Chesterton quote that reminded me of all this, but also of the glory and wonder of this world that we miss because of its ordinary nature.

The beautiful thing about this world is not that funny noses exist, but that noses exist at all. These funny-looking things protrude from our faces and enable us to smell smoke, burning popcorn, a newborn baby’s head, and the dirty diapers that eventually follow. All of this is a gift. My children can rejoice and laugh at their noses, whether through the game of “Got Your Nose” or a simple “Boop, got you!” What a world of joy and beauty we get to encounter daily.

It makes me chuckle that Chesterton uses the phrase “Norman nose,” especially because my nose most likely comes from my mother’s side of the family, whose maiden name is, in fact, Norman.

When we think of the majesty of God, we think of the heavens above the heavens, the expanse of the universe, the stars, and the unexplored reaches of creation. We think of the depths of the sea and the heights of all that can be seen. We think of the cosmic and otherworldly realms that we cannot even approach, where angels cover their faces in your presence and display a glory and beauty that would overwhelm our mortal eyes.

Yet the microscopic details of creation also display the majesty of their Creator. From microorganisms to the largest creatures, all creation declares your praise. We who dwell in the cosmic middle ground of this earth have seen, tasted, and touched only a small fraction of your power and majesty, yet we are here to display your wonders.

We have grown dull to the beauty and majesty of this world. We pass too quickly by its grandeur, failing to stop and marvel at what God has made. Even the grandeur of a nose.

As Chesterton so wonderfully points out, is it not more of a wonder that we have these bodies at all than that some of us have funny or unique noses? Even in this fallen and failing world, where disability and sickness are realities, what a gift it is to be made in the image of God. Our bodies may be marked by weakness, suffering, and difference, but none of these diminish the dignity God has given to humanity. We must not confuse the body’s limitations with a limitation of the person’s worth. What a wonder that God has made us embodied creatures, bearing his image and given the ability to experience and enjoy his creation.

We have lost much of our appreciation for this gift in the neo-Gnostic world that devalues our bodies. We must not allow our judgments about what is ordinary, beautiful, or desirable to shape our judgments about the worth of another person. The image of God is not measured by appearance, ability, or independence. The person who communicates differently or requires assistance is no less worthy of dignity and honor.

There is glory and beauty in the wonders of this creation, from the highest heavens to the microscopic level. The expanse between these heights and depths reveals the infinite majesty of the Creator of it all. What a wonder that, in this vast creation, we have been made in the image of God and given bodies through which we experience his world.

Perhaps we need to recover the wonder of the ordinary. Perhaps we need to look again at the bodies God has given us, at the people he has placed around us, and at the world we so often take for granted. Sometimes, that wonder begins with something as ordinary as a nose.

Articles You May Like

Fatherhood in Chaos: The Biblical Character Required of a Father in a Disordered World Part 1

How Could We Be Ill-Tempered Under Such a Sky? : Recovering the Wonder of Creation from Dostoyevsky, Chesterton, and a Three-Year-Old

What I am Reading This Week:

Death of Death in the Death of Christ by John Owen

Teenagers and Mental Health by Monica Kim and Daniel Kwon

Here is a bonus newsletter for this week.

Thank you to everyone who attended my breakout at the Disability & Church Tour Stop in Jacksonville. I appreciated the opportunity to share these thoughts with you. I hope this article will serve as a helpful resource as we seek to help pastors and churches grow in their understanding of disability ministry. If you need any further assistance or would like any additional resources please feel free to reach out.

Here are the slides from my presentation.

Introduction: Move Toward the Gap

“For the love of Christ controls us” (2 Corinthians 5:14).

In 2 Corinthians 5:14–21, Paul gives us three movements that shape how we approach disability ministry: love, seeing people rightly, and representing Christ.

The love of Christ controls us. We are no longer to regard anyone according to the flesh. We are ambassadors for Christ, entrusted with the ministry of reconciliation.

There are two gaps that reconciliation calls us to cross. One is the gap between the pulpit and the pew. The other is the gap between able-bodied families and families affected by disability.

We must move toward the gap.

As disability ministry advocates, we often see the barriers that keep people with disabilities and their families from participating in the life of the church. We want pastors to see those barriers and help remove them. But before we ask more of pastors, we need to remember something important.

Pastors are people before they are pastors.

Pastors Are People

Pastors are shepherds, sinners, sufferers, and image bearers. They are human beings who experience the weight of ministry.

Many pastors are highly stressed, work long hours, and experience burnout. Ministry affects their families, too.

We need to remember this before we approach them about disability ministry.

It is easy to look at our pastors and see all the things they are not doing. We see the barriers that remain, the needs that are not being met, and what needs to change.

But we must see the pastor before we see the position.

Paul writes, “From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh” (2 Corinthians 5:16). This applies to the way we regard pastors, too.

A pastor is not merely a position, a resource, or an obstacle. He is a person.

If we are going to help pastors become more engaged in disability ministry, we must begin by seeing them as people and moving toward them in love.

Understand the Tension

There is a significant tension between what pastors believe about disability inclusion and what families with disabilities experience.

My presentation cited figures indicating that 98% of U.S. Protestant pastors say a person with a disability would feel welcomed in their church, while 45% of families with disabilities have left at least one church because they were not welcomed.

These figures illustrate a troubling disconnect. Pastors may believe their churches are welcoming, while families experience something very different.

We need to help bridge that gap.

Not every pastor is in the same place, however. In my presentation, I drew on a study to identify four categories of pastors and consider what each needs from disability ministry advocates.

1. Equipped and Engaged

These pastors are already engaged in disability ministry. They have some knowledge and experience, and they are actively working to make their churches more inclusive.

What do they need from us?

Partnership.

• Be a vocal supporter.

• Encourage the ministry.

• Share successes.

Come alongside these pastors and help make their efforts visible. Encourage the work they are doing and share their successes with others.

Pastors need to know that they are not working alone.

2. Intrigued but Inexperienced

These pastors are interested in disability ministry but lack experience. They may recognize the need without knowing how to respond.

Their questions may sound something like this: “I don’t know how.”

They need exhortation.

• Invite them into friendship.

• Share your struggles.

• Share good resources.

Do not assume that interest automatically produces understanding. A pastor may be intrigued by disability ministry and genuinely want to help, but he may not know where to begin.

Invite him into a relationship. Let him learn from your experiences and share resources that will help him take the next step.

Do not overwhelm him with everything he needs to know. Help him grow in understanding and confidence over time.

3. Called but Constrained

These pastors may have a desire to serve people with disabilities, but something is holding them back. They may lack the time, resources, staffing, or support necessary to move forward.

They need faith.

• Be a friend.

• Show up.

• Help carry the load.

Sometimes a pastor needs someone to help make the need visible. He may need assistance identifying practical next steps or finding the resources necessary to address a barrier.

Do not simply tell him what needs to happen. Help him do it.

4. Overextended and Unsure

Some pastors are already stretched thin. They are uncertain how to begin and may feel that disability ministry is one more responsibility they cannot carry.

They need love.

• Provide backup.

• Support his family.

• Invite him into your life.

• Love him.

Do not become another burden. Become a brother or sister.

These four categories remind us that there is no single approach to gaining pastoral buy-in. We need to understand the pastor, identify the barriers he faces, and respond with the kind of support he needs.

Identify the Real Barriers

There are four primary barriers that may keep a pastor from moving forward in disability ministry.

Knowledge: “I don’t know how.”

Confidence: “I don’t know if I can.”

Partnership: “I don’t want to do this alone.”

Motivation: “I don’t know if it is worth it.”

These barriers require different responses.

A pastor who does not know how to begin needs resources and practical instruction. A pastor who lacks confidence needs encouragement and opportunities to learn. A pastor who does not want to work alone needs partnership. A pastor who questions whether the work is worthwhile needs help seeing why disability ministry matters to the mission of the church.

Before we ask more of pastors, we should take the time to understand what is holding them back.

Share Your Burden Before Your Vision

One of the most important principles in gaining pastoral buy-in is this:

Share your burden before your vision.

We often approach pastors with a vision for what we want to accomplish. We have ideas, plans, and programs we want them to support.

But before we ask them to embrace our vision, we need to build a relationship and establish trust.

Start with friendship. Know them. Listen to them. Walk with them.

Do not make disability ministry a project.

We must be willing to share our own struggles and allow pastors to know us personally. We need to build relationships in which we can speak honestly about the barriers we encounter and the challenges we face.

Simon Sinek has said, “We don’t build trust by offering help, but by asking for help.”

There is something important in that principle. We often approach pastors as though we are there to provide all the answers. But trust can grow when we allow pastors to minister to us, too.

Let the pastor minister to you.

We are not simply bringing something to the pastor. We are seeking a relationship in which we can serve one another.

Connect Disability Ministry to the Church’s Vision

Pastors are responsible for leading their churches toward the mission Christ has given them. If we want to gain pastoral buy-in, we need to help them see how disability ministry connects to that mission.

Jesus commanded his disciples to make disciples of all nations.

Disability ministry is not a competing vision. It is discipleship.

We are not asking the church to abandon its mission to pursue something unrelated. We are asking the church to consider how it can faithfully make disciples among people with disabilities and their families.

Disability ministry belongs within the church’s broader work of evangelism, discipleship, fellowship, and pastoral care.

When we connect disability ministry to the church’s vision, we help pastors see that this is not simply another program to manage. It is part of the work Christ has already given his church.

Connect It to Scripture

In 2 Corinthians 5:18–20, Paul describes the ministry of reconciliation and calls believers ambassadors for Christ.

This passage gives us a framework for disability ministry.

We represent Christ. We pursue reconciliation. We move toward people.

We should not regard people according to the flesh, reducing them to their disabilities or the accommodations they require. We must see the person before the disability.

We should also see the pastor before the position. And we should see the church as a family to be reconciled, not a problem to be solved.

This changes the way we approach the work.

We are not simply trying to convince pastors to adopt a ministry model. We are seeking to help them lead their churches in representing Christ and pursuing reconciliation with people who may have been overlooked or excluded.

Ensure Pastors Have Your Full Support

Pastors need to know that we are willing to support them in practical ways.

That support can be financial, practical, relational, and spiritual.

Sometimes we can provide direct assistance. Sometimes we can connect a pastor with someone who has the necessary experience. Sometimes we can help find answers to difficult questions.

We should not expect pastors to have every answer. Disability ministry involves questions that may require specialized knowledge, and we need to be willing to help them find the right resources and people.

Our support should also extend beyond the ministry itself. We should encourage pastors personally, care about their families, and build friendships that are not dependent on what they can do for disability ministry.

The point is not simply to get the pastor to approve our plans. It is to come alongside him as he seeks to shepherd his church faithfully.

Move Toward the Gap

As we seek to gain pastoral buy-in for disability ministry, we need to remember the three movements of 2 Corinthians 5:14–21.

Love controls us. We regard no one according to the flesh. We represent Christ as his ambassadors.

We must see the person before the disability and the pastor before the position. We must see the church as a family to be reconciled, not a problem to be solved.

So move toward the gap.

Partner with pastors who are equipped and engaged. Exhort those who are intrigued but inexperienced. Have faith in those who are called but constrained, helping them carry the load. And love those who are overextended and unsure.

Do not become another burden. Become a brother or sister.

Our goal is not merely to gain approval for disability ministry. It is to help churches grow in their understanding of Christ’s calling and become places where people with disabilities and their families can participate in the life of the body.

May the love of Christ control us as we pursue that work together.

Here are some additional articles that may be a helpful resource for those in disability ministry.

Hey Pastor, can I talk to you?

Don’t Abandon the Body for its Parts

Our Accommodating God

The Body of Christ is Disabled

Jesus and the R Word

Who is missing from your church who is already there?

How I lied to my church?

I write two essays a week here on the topics of faith, culture, disability, theology, ministry from the perspective of a Pastor who is also a disability Father.

This is the second essay in my Fatherhood in Chaos Series.
Click here to read part one.


What kind of man can take the chaos of this world and seek to bring things into order? Parenting, much like ministry, is not lived out in ideal situations but in the reality and chaos of living in a fallen world. As a parent of children with disabilities, chaos seems to be multiplied, much like it is in ministry. The point isn’t how to eliminate the chaos. The point is becoming the kind of man who can faithfully lead his family when the chaos comes.

Paul answers this question in Titus 1 as he tells Titus to appoint elders and gives them the qualifications of a godly man who is able to do this.

The first qualification is above reproach.

“If anyone is above reproach, the husband of one wife, and his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination.”

— Titus 1:6 (ESV)

Whether parenting children with disabilities, parenting in general, leading a church, or engaging in any form of leadership, nothing sinks the collective boat faster than the personal failure of the leader.

As a father, if you are given to any major charge of sin or a repetitive, unrepentant pattern of sin, it will sink you and your family. It will take control over everything until it is dealt with. If you are open to charges of adultery, that takes you out of the game when it comes to leading well. If you are given to greed, it will consume you and take you away from leading your family with integrity.

Above reproach, or blameless, does not mean sinless. Rather, it describes someone whose character is not open to legitimate accusation. He does not allow sin to take root and spread, bringing his character and conduct into legitimate question.

So much of this happens in the privacy of your own heart. By the time it is visible to your kids and wife, it already has its grips on you. If it has spread far enough to bring public notice from the outside world, it has thoroughly gotten out of control.

It has been my experience that men who cheat on their spouses do not start out with that intention. They give in to their lusts in thousands and thousands of little ways before the affair ever begins. If a man is arrested for brawling or abuse of any kind, you can be pretty sure that this was not the first time he allowed his anger to get the best of him.

To be open to a charge cuts your legs out from under you and inhibits you from faithfully moving forward.

An Overseer as God’s Steward

This is the only characteristic that is repeated in this passage.

“For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain.”

— Titus 1:7 (ESV)

An overseer, in its original form, means one who exercises oversight, who inspects and supervises others. As a term for a pastor, it describes someone who has oversight over the whole congregation. He will give an account for them. As fathers, we will give an account for overseeing our families.

To fail to provide oversight and care for one’s family is ultimately to fail.

For those with children with disabilities, or for families experiencing extra strain caused by illness, disability, or additional care needed during a season or throughout a whole life, the father’s own character matters. If the father is open to blame and refuses to confront his own sin, it will drag him and his children down with him.

Even in my house, with two nonverbal children, I have found that my patterns, sins, and ultimately my overall vibe echo throughout the house. If I am not above reproach, I will not set the tone for my home, and the disorder will only spiral.

We are God’s stewards over people made in His image. As fathers of children with disabilities, we are stewards not only of precious souls but also of those for whom Jesus made clear that His heart is especially sensitive.

One of the sharpest warnings Jesus gives is reserved for anyone who leads little ones astray. In the prophets, some of the sharpest judgments against the nation come because of a lack of care for the downcast and afflicted.

Our stewardship of the family God has entrusted to us requires that we use every resource He has given us to promote what most glorifies Him and points everyone in our family closer to Him. We steward the money He gives us for His glory in our homes. We steward our strength and our health for the same purpose. We will stand before God and give an account for how we provide for our families and care for them. Being above reproach is the character necessary to do that. Without pursuing the wisdom of being above reproach in all areas of life, we will fail to steward this gracious gift God has given us in our wives and children.

Paul gives one of the sharpest warnings for God’s stewards of the home:

“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

— 1 Timothy 5:8 (ESV)

To faithfully lead our families from disorder into order is to make certain we are above reproach.

How to Be Above Reproach

See Your Temptation and Run

You most likely already know what tempts you in this life. You know what looks delightful to your eye but, in the end, brings death. For you, it might be your anger, lust, pride, substances, gossip, slander, or whatever else.

The next time you fall into any form of unrighteousness, work your way backward through it. Perform the autopsy and see what led to the death you are facing right now.

James 1 says:

“But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”

— James 1:14–15 (ESV)

Was it that quick glance? Was it a lack of self-control? Was it a lack of love? Was it lifting yourself up above others?

Our sin is so often deeply rooted within us. When we repent, we often fail to see the idolatry that lies beneath it all. The harsh word that we spring on our wife didn’t just happen. It happened because we sat in that bitterness.

We were embittered because we refused to “believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things.” We refused because we told ourselves the lie that we were being disrespected or not listened to. We lied to ourselves because we believed that we were the final judge and authority of right and wrong in our lives. We rejected God as the sovereign ruler of our affairs.

At its root, our temptation was to turn aside from trusting God and seeing Him as all-sufficient.

See Your Sin and Weep

Being above reproach or blameless does not mean being sinless. Rather, it means that sin does not become a pattern for which you can be publicly accused of that behavior. How are you known by those around you? The person who sins and then repents quickly and thoroughly is not defined by those actions. They do not allow temptation to take such deep root in their souls.

John writes:

“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.”

— 1 John 1:8–2:2 (ESV)

We have an advocate with the Father who hears our pleas and sees our cries. If we desire to be the fathers who can bring chaos into order, we must be the kind of men who take ownership of our own actions and are the first and quickest to repent when we have done wrong. This includes repenting to our children, even when we think they don’t understand.

There have been times when God has confronted me with this through the faces of my children. They are clearly disobeying and ignoring the wisdom that I am attempting to give them as a father. Yet, in my response, rather than showing grace or even justice, I respond with unjust wrath.

This has never gotten to the point where I have lashed out at or hurt my children, but I have responded in an unchristlike manner through sharp words or unjust punishments. Or maybe I brought discipline on something that wasn’t disobedience but rather something that simply annoyed me at the time.

As I have shared before, my oldest two are nonverbal, but I know they absorb far more than they let on. In those moments, after I have taken a breath or my wife, the godly helpmate that she is, has drawn my attention to my failure, I pick up my child, embrace them, and apologize. As they get older, I elaborate on this and explain that I am a sinner too, in need of grace upon grace.

I don’t believe that children are punished for the sins of their fathers, but they cannot escape the consequences and patterns laid down by their fathers. To stay above reproach and be blameless means that we must see every single sin. We must repent first to God, remembering that our actions, thoughts, or inaction were what placed our Savior on the cross. Then we must repent to all who were affected by them.

This may mean repenting to your children about how you treat their mother. One thing I try to teach my boys over and over again is that their mother is first and foremost my wife. To disrespect her is to disrespect the woman I chose to love. I joke and tell them, “I did not choose to be your Dad; I chose to be her husband.” If I am not treating their mother with more respect than I call them to show, I am failing.

See Your Weights and Drop Them

The last way I would say to be above reproach is to see your weights and drop them.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.”

— Hebrews 12:1 (ESV)

In Hebrews 12:1, weight is a separate category from sin. In this metaphor, we are called to strip ourselves of anything that would slow us down from following after Christ. Being above reproach requires that we do not give in to sin or temptation, but the weights here are anything that prevents us from running toward Jesus.

There were a great many things that the Apostle Paul said he would or would not do in certain seasons and locations because he desired first and foremost to please God and then to put nothing in the way of others coming to know Christ.

Being above reproach is just as much about the active pursuit of righteousness and pleasing God as it is about not pursuing the things of this world. To be blameless or above reproach means that we regularly lay aside every single weight in front of us to run the race before us.

If there is something that is not sinful but becomes a barrier between you and your child, or between your child and their faith, lay it aside.

An Ongoing Category

As a pastor, I am reminded that this is not just for the interview question but rather for all of life and the rest of my ministry.

As fathers, whatever season of fatherhood we are in, this is part of what godliness looks like. It is beholding the glory of Jesus and allowing Him to transform us from one degree of glory to the next.

Grace for Yourself

Now for the good news.

If you are a believer in Jesus, blamelessness is possible. I did not say sinlessness. Blamelessness is the purpose behind Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection (Colossians 1:22). We are reconciled to God so that we might be presented holy and blameless before Him. God started this work within you, and He is able to bring it to completion.

Remember, as I said earlier, that these are present characteristics. Your effectiveness as a father will be severely hampered if you are not actively living above reproach, but that does not mean you are forever hampered.

Maybe you are reading this and realizing, “Man, I fail in so many ways. I can never be the father God has called me to be.”

Stop it! His grace is sufficient for you.

It doesn’t matter what you have done. There is grace. Not only can God reconcile you with Himself, but He can reconcile you with your children. That is true whether they are three or seventy-three.

Our God is a God who can restore what we have broken. He can lead you and transform you into a man who lives above reproach.

Would you feel like a success as a parent if, by the time your child turned thirty, they had accomplished the following?

• Studied and memorized almost the entire Bible.

• Maintained near-perfect church attendance.

• Respected in their community.

• Gives faithfully to their church.

A great many good Christian parents would look at that list and say, “Yes! We have won. This is success.” Their children have kept the faith and found success in the world. We get to have our cake and eat it, too.

Herein lies the danger.

The list above describes many of the outward characteristics we might associate with the Pharisees Jesus encountered in the New Testament. Yet something is missing, something infinitely more valuable than all these accomplishments.

Jesus repeatedly confronted the Pharisees, saying:

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel across sea and land to make a single proselyte, and when he becomes a proselyte, you make him twice as much a child of hell as yourselves.”

— Matthew 23:15, ESV

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others. You blind guides, straining out a gnat and swallowing a camel!”

— Matthew 23:23–24, ESV

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean.”

— Matthew 23:25–26, ESV

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.”

— Matthew 23:27–28, ESV

When Paul wrote about his own credentials in Philippians 3:4–8, he listed his religious heritage, his zeal, and his outward righteousness. Yet he counted all these things as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus his Lord. In verse 8, he even described them as skubalon, a Greek word translated as “rubbish” or “dung.”

The point is not that religious discipline, education, or respectable living are inherently worthless. Rather, none of these things can compare with knowing Christ. None can substitute for Him.

The Never-Ending List of Parenting Decisions

As parents, we are constantly inundated with an ever-growing, often competing list of what we must do for our children.

Vaccinate or not vaccinate? Homeschool, private school, or public school? What movies, shows, social media platforms, phones, and tablets should we allow our children to access? What diet should our children follow? What kind of discipline should we practice? What is the proper balance between sports and education? Should my teenager be allowed to date?

Each of these decisions involves different considerations, varying degrees of wisdom, and answers that may differ from family to family. Some decisions have clear biblical implications, but Scripture does not prescribe one specific answer for every situation.

You can make all the “right” choices and still miss what matters most.

Jesus said the greatest commandment was to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. The second was like it: to love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:30–31).

You can make wise decisions in every category, teach your children to obey, and raise upright citizens who are deeply involved in their church and community. Yet your child can still grow up without knowing Christ.

Outward conformity cannot save them.

Because, in comparison with the surpassing worth of knowing Christ, all these things are skubalon.

• Homeschooling versus public schooling? Skubalon.

• Vaccination versus no vaccination? Skubalon.

• Perfect diet? Skubalon.

• Never having any screen time? Skubalon.

• Perfect church attendance? Skubalon.

• Tithing perfectly at 10%? Skubalon.

• Respect in the community? Skubalon.

These things are not all equally wise, nor are they all equally important in their practical consequences. Some may be good gifts, and others may involve serious moral considerations. But none of them can take the place of Christ. The point is not that these decisions are meaningless, but that they are worthless as substitutes for knowing Him.

There are things commanded in Scripture, and we must not make light of them. There are also things that may be wise for Christian families without being explicitly commanded in Scripture. We must learn to distinguish between the two.

What matters most is not whether we made every possible wise decision or trained perfect obedience into our little angels. What matters is whether we faithfully pointed our children toward Christ and modeled before them the humble love of our Savior.

Guard Your Tongue

One of the easiest ways to create Pharisees is to praise outward obedience without shepherding the heart.

We must guard against allowing the pride of correct living to infect us or our children. Remember: what is whispered in judgment within your home may be shouted by your children in the years to come.

If our children constantly hear us belittle other Christian families because they make different educational choices, follow different household practices, or reach different conclusions about matters of wisdom, what are we teaching them?

We may think we are teaching discernment. Instead, we may be teaching pride.

We must not merely ask whether our children are doing the right things. We must also consider what they are learning to love, what they are learning to value, and how they are learning to view their neighbors.

A child can learn to recognize every perceived error in another family while remaining blind to the pride in their own heart. They can learn to defend a particular parenting philosophy while failing to demonstrate the patience, humility, and love that Christ commands.

We should care about obedience. We should teach our children to pursue holiness. But we must never confuse the appearance of righteousness with the transformation of the heart.

Adiaphora Is Just That: Adiaphora

The Christian tradition has a word for matters that are neither commanded nor forbidden by Scripture: adiaphora. These are matters of indifference in the sense that Scripture does not establish one universally binding rule for every Christian. This does not mean every choice is equally wise or that our decisions have no consequences. It means we must exercise discernment without turning our preferences into God’s commands.

We must guard our tongues when discussing matters of wisdom and personal preference. We must ensure that we are not training our kids to pass judgment on believers who differ from us or reach different conclusions about matters Scripture has not commanded.

If you homeschool, fantastic. My children are homeschooled, and I believe there is much wisdom in that decision. But make sure this choice does not become an opportunity to belittle those who choose differently.

The same principle applies to every other area of family life. We must be careful not to elevate our own judgments into universal standards of faithfulness.

Our goal is not simply to raise children who do things the way we do them. It is to raise children who love Christ, love His Word, love His people, and love their neighbors.

We can do everything we believe to be right and still fail to cultivate humility. We can train our children to conform to our standards while neglecting to teach them the surpassing worth of knowing Jesus Christ.

May God protect us from being so consumed with raising respectable children that we forget to point them to the Savior.

The Love of Christ

Our children model and amplify our attitudes. If we display pride, they will magnify it. We must model the gospel before them rather than self-righteousness. We model it in how we forgive and ask for forgiveness. We model it in how we speak of other people made in the image of God. We model it in how we handle issues of conscience.

There is truth and wisdom, and we want our children to embrace both. We want them to embrace not only the words and commands of Scripture but also the heart of our Savior, who is “gentle and lowly in heart” (Matthew 11:29).

Jesus had perfect theology and perfect righteousness. No one He encountered could surpass Him in either. Yet He showed compassion toward sinners, welcomed the repentant, and confronted those whose self-righteousness blinded them to their own need. He repeatedly condemned religious hypocrisy and those who neglected the weightier matters of the law.

Perhaps this danger passes us by because we hear our children echoing our own thoughts. We hear them repeating our judgments about other families, defending our convictions, and pointing out the perceived shortcomings of others. We smile because they sound just like us.

But listen closely.

Are they learning to love their neighbors, even when those neighbors make different choices? Are they learning humility, or have they simply learned to defend their own righteousness? Are they growing in their knowledge of Christ, or are they merely learning how to keep the outside of the cup clean?

We must be careful that, in teaching our children to recognize what is wrong with the world around them, we do not neglect to teach them the gospel that exposes the sin within their own hearts.

Our children need more than parents who know what is right. They need parents who repent when they are wrong, extend grace when they have been wronged, and demonstrate the humble love of Christ in the ordinary circumstances of family life.

May our children see in us not merely a commitment to doing what is right, but a deep and abiding love for the One who alone makes sinners righteous.

The goal of Christian parenting is not merely to raise respectable children. It is to faithfully point our children to Christ, in whom alone is found the surpassing worth of knowing God.

When Fatherhood Humbles You

Fatherhood has been quite a different journey than I expected. Like I have written on here before, I thought before I had kids that I had it all figured out, but reality set in and God humbled me. While the Scriptures do give some direct wisdom on fatherhood:

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” — Ephesians 6:4

Yet a passage I have found myself returning to again and again, both for my parenting and ultimately for my position at the church as a pastor, is Titus 1.

Parenting, much like ministry, is not lived out in ideal situations but in the reality and chaos of living in a fallen world. For me, in ministry, this has meant realizing that all of the goals, dreams, and ideals I set out with after studying Scripture, learning from the wisdom of others, and receiving an education have eventually met the reality of ministering in a fallen world. In ministry, you will face real opposition, minister to real people, and see the church for all of its flaws and beauties.

Parenting hit me with that same humbling reality.

I expected to have my nice, big family and my tiny little mini-mes who were athletic, healthy, and obedient. The reality I have been hit with is that two of my boys have major disabilities, and one of them has major health issues.

Discipline looks different. Family devotions look different. Extracurriculars look different. I have exchanged practices and games for therapies and appointments. Homeschooling has come upon us, and it looks vastly different from what we had thought or hoped.

Putting What Remains in Order

Paul worked diligently to equip his disciples for the work of ministry, but even after he had them with him for months and months, he continued to mentor them. Paul had left Titus in Crete to help put things into order.

“This is why I left you in Crete, so that you might put what remained into order, and appoint elders in every town as I directed you.” — Titus 1:5

To put what remained into order meant establishing qualified leaders within the church. One of the final steps in Paul establishing a church was making sure that it was led by godly men. This is one of two times that Paul gives this instruction; the other is to Timothy in 1 Timothy.

Crete was filled with insubordinate, empty talkers and deceivers. Paul quotes one of the Cretans as saying, “They are always liars, evil beasts, and lazy gluttons.”

The Solution to Disorder

The solution to this disorder within the church is a collection of godly men to oversee God’s house. Overseer, elder, and pastor are all terms for the same office in the New Testament. The solution to a church that lives in the midst of a world that is in disorder is a line of godly men who take responsibility for what God has called them to do and do it well.

As many have pointed out, the characteristics here are not those of some highly polished academic or some miracle-working medicine man. Paul does not state that they must have studied for seven years under the greatest teachers or that they must have performed mighty miracles. Rather, they are to be appointed if they fit the description of a man of God who holds firmly to the word of truth and sound doctrine.

The qualifications Paul gives are largely the qualities of a godly man. There is a particular qualification for the elder that distinguishes the office: he must be able to teach.

“He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” — 1 Timothy 3:4–5

So what does this have to do with parenting?

The Father in the Home

In 1 Timothy 3, the parallel passage to Titus 1, the overseer is one who manages his own household well. If we desire chaos to be put into order within the church, fight back against the evils within our community, and protect the body of Christ, we must be able and willing to do it within our own homes.

Recent studies make clear what is also plain in Scripture: the presence and involvement of a father matters deeply to the health of a family. In a study of 190 couples raising children with chronic illness, greater paternal involvement in managing the child’s illness was associated with better marital satisfaction and family functioning, as well as fewer maternal psychiatric symptoms and less perceived impact of the child’s illness on family functioning.

Men are called and commanded to take responsibility for those under their care, to protect them, and to provide for them. Yet one danger I have seen is fathers of children with disabilities abandoning their families, either formally or in all but name, leaving the entire burden of bringing order to the home on single mothers or on mothers who are already overworked and overburdened.

Fatherhood in a Different Kind of Chaos

For me, as a disability and medical parent, this need to protect, provide, shepherd, and guide is raised to another level.

The chaos that enters the home of a disabled family is sometimes intensified. We are not only battling the lies of the world that come after our children, but also the reality of raising children in a world that was not designed for them. Chaos and affliction come from a different angle, but it is the job of a father of any children, and especially those with disabilities, to pursue godliness. In our own personal holiness, we will find the foundation for faithfully leading our families through that chaos.

The disorder of our lives that has to be brought into order as fathers of children with disabilities is clear. The disorder that most parents are trying to solve is, “How do I take this little human that I have been given responsibility for and train them to become independent and competent enough to make it on their own?”

For disability parents, that concern weighs heavily as well, but with an added layer. For many of us, the goal is not simply to get our children to live on their own. It is figuring out how to get them to the point where they can dress themselves, communicate, use the restroom, or accomplish other things that many parents may take for granted.

A great many things that are simple and handed to parents of typically developing children are labored over diligently through hours of therapy.

In this disordered and chaotic world, how do we hold it all together? How do we lead as godly men?

The reality is that for families like mine, the chaos of the world is multiplied by medical and social complications. Every family needs a leader, but when the situation elevates the level of difficulty, the level of leadership needed to sustain the family is elevated as well.

Fatherhood in Chaos

I write all of this to say that over the next few weeks, one of my weekly articles will be part of a series going through Titus 1:5–9 and discussing how it relates to parenting in general and our journey as disability and medical fathers.

I have found that while there is a lot of writing offering encouragement to parents of children with disabilities, there are very few pastoral resources on shaping who we need to be as Christian men raising vulnerable children in a fallen world.

I want to encourage you that even if your children are perfectly healthy, the applications of these principles in your own life will be beneficial.

The long and short of it is not, “Here is how you navigate the practical ins and outs of IEPs, insurance calls, and doctors’ appointments,” but rather, “How are we to be formed into the men of God who can lead our families through whatever chaos the world throws at us?”

Some opening lines grab you and just grip your soul as a reader. I recently sat down to reread White Nights by Fyodor Dostoyevsky and was humbled by the beauty and the provoking thought contained within its opening line. In the last year, I have discovered the beauty of Dostoyevsky, yet many of his opening works do not begin with the mighty hooks of some other novels, but his novella White Nights begins with this marvelous line:

“It was a wonderful night, such a night as is only possible when we are young, dear reader. The sky was so starry, so bright that, looking at it, one could not help asking oneself whether ill-humoured and capricious people could live under such a sky. That is a youthful question too, dear reader, very youthful, but may the Lord put it more frequently into your heart!…”

While he does not detail the marvelous nature of the stars that he looks at, the recollection that comes into the shared memory of any reader who remembers nights out under the brightest heavens can be recalled instantly. Echoing the biblical sentiment that “The heavens declare the glory of God.” How could there be such grumbling and malice in the world? How could there be arrogance and haughty people who are permitted to walk under the majestic night sky where the stars play the orchestra of God’s grandeur, greater than Mozart and louder than Rachmaninoff?

He affirms that this question is youthful, but not youthful in a sense of foolishness or in a sense of misunderstanding, but in a sense of childlike faith that only children and young people can have, where their innocence has not yet dulled their senses to the brightness of the grandeur of creation.

Each week, I have the husbandly duties of taking our trash to the road, and as of late, I have been inviting along my three-year-old to join me. This takes what has been a boring and rather tedious chore and has turned it into an adventure of bravery, heroics, and strength of character. He often begins the journey of walking to the trash can in fear of the ants, bugs, squirrels, and other creeping things that prowl in the night, and with a call to bravery, we march forth and achieve our task. We will often cast our gaze into the heavens and see the night sky, and he looks for the moon and the brightest stars and planets, and with childlike wonder, he is enamored.

I ask, “Who made you?”

“God.”

“Who made the stars?”

“God.”

He has not tired or grown complacent at the little adventures. He does not walk begrudgingly forward at the chore set before him, but faces it head-on with bravery and joy. And when we return to the house, we recount to a fair maiden, or as he calls her, Mama, all the adventures that we have been on.

The heavens for him have not grown boring or stale. The wonders of this world have not pressed him down, and his view of it all enables me to be set free from my own grumbling. This youthful memory and rekindling of joy reminds me of the Chesterton quote about God and children:

“A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life. Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, ‘Do it again’; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony.

“But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, ‘Do it again’ to the sun; and every evening, ‘Do it again’ to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we. The repetition in Nature may not be a mere recurrence; it may be a theatrical encore.

“Heaven may be more of a home than we think, and there may be a real sense in which the sun and moon are the children of God.”

How can we grumble and complain when the God of the heavens is shouting out His glory to all of us in this world in the magnificence of the heavens above us? How can we walk and grumble about the simple nightly tasks given to us when the world in which we live, move, and have our existence is one so filled with glory and wonder that we can and should rejoice in the midst of it all?

The unnamed lonely man in White Nights is echoing the heart of Dostoyevsky and Chesterton, that we would be well reminded to remember the Creator and His glory and grandeur in the simple wonders of a night sky. In Genesis 1, we have God speaking and light coming into existence, and the stars that cause us to marvel and cause some of the greatest minds that we have on earth to dedicate their entire lives to studying and understanding the nature of the vastness of the heavens. In the account of creation, it is but an addition: “And He made the stars.”

So the next time you are looking at the night sky, pause and reflect, and ask yourself, “How could I be ill-tempered in a playground like this? How could I dread when I live in this wonderful world?” And rejoice that not only can you know the Creator in general through His creation, but personally through the Son of God, who upholds all of the heavens with His power.

When I was a new Christian, one of the more juvenile things we did with friends from my youth group was look for passages of the Bible that were a little more blunt or a little more crass, especially if they were not taken with the seriousness of the context in which they were given. There is the obvious example of the King James rendition of the word “donkey,” and the entire Song of Solomon, but there was one section that was far beyond them all.

Ezekiel 23

11 And when her sister Oholibah saw this, she was more corrupt in her inordinate love than she, and in her whoredoms more than her sister in her whoredoms.

12 She doted upon the Assyrians her neighbors, captains and rulers clothed most gorgeously, horsemen riding upon horses, all of them desirable young men.

13 Then I saw that she was defiled, that they both took one way.

14 And that she increased her whoredoms: for when she saw men portrayed upon the wall, the images of the Chaldeans portrayed with vermilion,

15 Girded with girdles upon their loins, exceeding in dyed attire upon their heads, all of them princes to look to, after the manner of the Babylonians of Chaldea, the land of their nativity:

16 And as soon as she saw them with her eyes, she doted upon them, and sent messengers unto them into Chaldea.

17 And the Babylonians came to her into the bed of love, and they defiled her with their whoredom, and she was polluted with them, and her mind was alienated from them.

18 So she discovered her whoredoms, and discovered her nakedness: then my mind was alienated from her, like as my mind was alienated from her sister.

19 Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt.

20 For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.

In my own devotions, I have been reading through Ezekiel, and it has been a fantastic time seeing all of the connections to the ministry of Jesus, the book of Revelation, and the promised hope of God in Christ. Yet Ezekiel is quite an odd book among all the prophets. God calls him to do some of the strangest things to get people’s attention: eating some nasty bread cooked over cow dung, laying on his side for days at a time, building and playing with items and pretending they are the city of Jerusalem. If you wonder how a man could do these things and speak the way he spoke, you have to understand the opening of the book. This is a man who, like Isaiah, has seen the glory of God in such a soul-shattering way that his response to the Lord can be nothing but yes when he is called to speak.

In Ezekiel 23, he is speaking of the rebellious cities of Jerusalem and Samaria and illustrating their actions by portraying them as prostitutes who, from a very young age, have given themselves over to other men. Ezekiel makes it clear that this is a parable for Jerusalem and Samaria, with Oholibah representing Jerusalem.

Oholah, the sister representing Samaria, has a name that means “her tent.” But in contrast, “Oholibah” means “my tent is in her.” Tents here represented two things: places of worship and, ultimately, for Oholibah, the presence of God with His people. The temple was the place where God dwelled among His people, and in Ezekiel’s day, Ezekiel had been given a vision showing all of the foul worship being done in the Lord’s name. Idols were being worshiped in the temple, children were being offered as sacrifices, false prophets and prophetesses abounded, and this slander to the glory of God had been going on in waves for generation after generation.

Because of this, chapter 23 is proclaiming that the place where God dwells will face the wrath of God poured out upon it. The people who had the presence of God would feel the cup of wrath poured out upon them. The story does not end there, though. God does pour out His wrath and eventually allows the people to return, but they return half-heartedly, and the temple that is rebuilt is not to its former glory. And the glory of God that left the temple in earlier passages in Ezekiel is not to return to that temple.

Yet the story does not end there with the end of the Old Covenant. There is a clear longing and desire for an ending baked into the story. The temple falls short of its former glory, and the people for years have served under the burden of pagan nations. They have continued their idol worship, and those who did not hardened their hearts to the poor and the helpless, giving them an air of religiosity without any of the actual holiness of God in their lives.

John then proclaims that “the Word was God” and that “the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us” (John 1:1, 14).

The Word became flesh and dwelt among His people. God came down and was the revelation of God with His people, like the tabernacle and temple of old. Yet this tabernacle and temple was not made with human hands but was the person of Jesus Christ.

They despised and rejected Him, a man of sorrows, and He, like the city of God and the temple of God before Him, endured the ridicule. Yet unlike the temple of old, made with human hands, this temple went willingly and drank the wrath of God for us on the cross of Christ.

Christ rose from the grave, defeating sin and death, so that we could have a new covenant where our hearts of stone could be taken out and we could be given hearts of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).

He saw us as the dried bones in the valley and spoke over us in His death and resurrection and brought us life (Ezekiel 37).

After He ascended to the heavens, He sent the Spirit of God down at Pentecost, where now the dwelling place of God, or the tabernacle, was not a tent or temple made with hands but the people of God that form the church of God. Paul reminds us that “you are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwells in you” (1 Corinthians 3:16).

We hold this treasure in our jars of clay, as Paul says, and we are tents in the wilderness longing for the eternal temple of God where He will dwell with His people. Paul describes our present bodies as this “tabernacle” in which we groan, longing for what is to come (2 Corinthians 5:4).

As believers who read this passage and find the holiness of God laid out in plain language, we see that God cares for the holiness of His people immensely. All of our defiling works cause the wrath of God to be poured out. For believers, we know that the wrath of God was poured out on Jesus, who made propitiation for all of our sins (1 John 4:10).

We were the prostitutes who turned aside, looking for the lusts, delights, and treasures of this world to fill what is broken within us, and it was only by the judgment that Jesus took upon Himself that we were purified. So now we long and we fight for our holiness.

As believers, we must lay aside any idols that keep us from enjoying the fullness of the presence of God within us. We must persevere, knowing that though this tabernacle that is our human body is fading, we are to be of good courage, knowing that we have a treasure, which is the glory of God revealed in the knowledge of Jesus Christ. As Paul says, God has shone in our hearts “to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ,” and we have this treasure in jars of clay (2 Corinthians 4:6–7).

Let us therefore, for the joy set before us, lay aside every sin and weight and pursue this joy found in the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ (Hebrews 12:1–2).

I don’t want you to be jealous, but you really missed something at my church this week. The crowd, the movement, the music, the guests of honor, and so much more.

Our numbers were through the roof this week, a number so high my mind could not even capture it on the small slip of paper we use to count. Don’t believe me? Read this firsthand account of the event.

22 But you have come to Mount Zion, to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, 23 to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the Judge of all, to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, 24 to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.
—Hebrews 12:22–24

I know that’s very poetic language, but you had to have been there to understand.

Angels filled the room, and they were not the angels found in Angels in the Outfield. Not a single one looked like Christopher Lloyd. They were more akin to the throne room of Isaiah and the awe-inspiring glory revealed in the cherubim in Ezekiel.

With eyes of faith, we sing and tremble.

Saints from every tribe, tongue, and nation, spanning generations and traveling through space and time to enter the same place together. A great cloud of witnesses watching in that moment. Wheels within wheels, wings upon wings, heavenly voices echoing down the praise and glory of our God that we lifted up with our poor, lisping, stammering tongues.

The great saints, known and unknown, were there: the martyrs killed for their faith in the early church, Stephen, Paul, Spurgeon, grandmas, and grandpas of believers present.

The greatest guest of honor was the King of kings, who came down and gathered with us this Sunday. He was revealed by his Spirit in the Word of God and in the truths sung before his holy name. He spoke to us, and he listened to us.

What a wonder and what a glory!

You missed the thousands of answered prayers for those leading the service, how God gave them strength to proclaim a sliver of his glory with strength and power. Even in faulty sound equipment and failing projectors, God moved and answered and again and again worked to defeat temptation and idols.

The worship was powerful and mighty, with the choirs of heaven joining us. The mouths of angels, children, and gray-haired saints joining together to testify of the goodness of our Savior. You could hear the heartaches and joys. You could hear the glory as we grew closer and closer to the throne room. Joyful noises echoed down from former alcoholics, those whose marriages have held firm, and those whose marriages have fallen apart. God was praised by widows who have buried their husbands, parents who have buried children, those in prosperity and those in poverty. The praise pointed to the glory of the Lord that was far beyond our circumstances.

You missed all the opportunities to encourage. In the simple handshakes, in the foyer conversations, in a prayer request passed along in Sunday School. You missed the answers to prayer and praises offered to God both in voice and song. The proclamation that our God reigns and that he rules and hears. The opportunity to pick up the burden of a believer who is falling down.

Don’t worry. There were others there, but they got the blessing and reward of giving.

I can hardly think about what was placed in the offering plate. I state this not to brag, but the One who owns all the cattle on all of the hills was able to give us what we needed this week, and so many, out of joy and praise to him, offered up their time and wealth. The One to whom it was from and to whom it belongs plans on taking what was taken up not only to enable these weekly heavenly meetings but to spread amongst our community, nations, and the world the good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

What a glory it was, a multigenerational affair.

Children were there crying, singing, laughing, and watching. Seeing with childlike faith that their parents or grandparents, or mentors, were there lifting up praise to God despite all they had been through this week.

You missed the opportunity to take your eyes off yourself and your situation and place it all in the hands of Jesus. You missed the Word of God being proclaimed in power, not originating from the preacher but from the Holy Spirit, who took up his Word as a double-edged sword and pierced hearts and souls in ways unseen.

What a display of power and wonder.

Causing new believers and older believers to remember and see and believe the knowledge of the glory of God in Jesus Christ. You missed the opportunity to be reminded of the glory awaiting you in Jesus Christ.

You missed hearing by faith the prayers of the saints and the echoing of those prayers by our great Intercessor. How our Father sees not our failures but the body of Christ together, purified in Jesus’ name, and the wonderful righteousness of his Son who made a way. This Sunday, the God who spoke and stars came into existence heard our prayers. We didn’t get to go before the governor or president or Congress or all of the world’s leaders. We went above all of them and directly to the source of all of our life and the One who sustains and upholds the universe.

I tell you all of this not to judge or condemn. There is no condemnation in Jesus’ name. Rather, I want to share with you all that we get to do every single week.

What a mighty and majestic meeting, that for just a few minutes each Sunday we gather with the saints and are transported across time, space, and the universe to encounter the Holy of Holies. We only saw it through a mirror dimly. We got to step into his presence amongst his people.

If you are reading this far away and long to come travel to the little town of Bristol, Florida, in the backwoods of the backwoods in the Panhandle, know that you are always welcome. But we are an international organization and have outposts where you can meet locally to you.

We are a part of the church of Jesus Christ. You can meet with us in India, China, New York, Pakistan, Turkey, or even Blountstown across the river.

Find one of these heavenly outposts and attend regularly, and ask God by faith to show you what is really going on. Find one that believes the Bible and proclaims the truth of God.

The easiest way to shatter the image you have of what it looks like to be a perfect parent is to actually become one.

Before becoming a parent, I will confess that in my mind I was the perfect parent. I had all the discipline, love, strength, and strategies figured out. I had read the Scriptures and parenting books, and I had seen prime examples.

Yet, like in so many areas of our lives, God has a way of shattering our pride and humbling us. I now parent two children with disabilities and one rambunctious toddler, and I believe that I know far less than I did when I began seven years ago. Yet there are things that I am more and more confident in.

Discipline Matters

The Scriptures are quite clear that discipline matters in raising children. The often-quoted (and misquoted) “Spare the rod, spoil the child,” which actually reads, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” ( Proverbs 13:24) The rod here in Hebrew is the rod of a shepherd, one who lovingly guides and leads the sheep. It is not a tool of abuse but rather a tool of protection. Discipline is used to keep a child within the realm of safety.

Yet so many have used this text as an excuse to vent the full force of their anger upon their children. I have had self-identifying Christians tell me that I was a bad parent because my autistic child was having a meltdown or was not potty trained. The irony of people telling me with straight faces about the abuses that they faced as children, where their parents would beat them indiscriminately and without love to ensure compliance, and how they were not harmed, is difficult to miss. The irony continues when you examine the lives of these people who are serial adulterers and on their fourth or fifth marriage, and their children no longer speak to them.

For my child with autism, who has an extremely high pain tolerance, physical discipline has proved ineffectual. Discipline is only effectual to the level at which the person receiving it is able to connect the consequences of what they have done with their actions. If a person has no feeling in their hands, then they will not notice their hand burning upon a hot stove.

Yet this does not mean that discipline is never required, but that it must be directed at the child and at their level of understanding. Those who parent children with disabilities are not excused from disciplining their children but have to learn how to bridge the communication barrier to find what communicates the danger that their children are entering into. Ultimately it is built on the trust that the one disciplining has love for the one receiving disipline.

Love Matters More

My knowledge of parenting is not based upon my own experience. I am in the middle of the trenches, and when you are in the fog of war, you cannot see the whole battlefield. You have to trust your commanders, those who have gone before you and see the landmines laid out in front of you. In Scripture, we have the full blueprint of the battlefield, and in the church we have the example of faithful parents who have gone before us.

In Ephesians 6:4, Paul says:

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

This is about as succinct a summary of the duty of any father as you can find, and there are no exclusions made here for fathers of children with disabilities. This is in the context of the household code given in Ephesians 6. Wives have been called to submit, husbands have been called to Christlike sacrificial love, and children have been called to obedience. Here, fathers are commanded to use their authority in godliness. Fathers are to parent in such a way that they do not allow their anger and preferences to dominate their children, thus embittering them and provoking them to anger. This does not mean that your children will never be angry, but rather that a loving and understanding father seeks to always draw his children through his discipline and instruction closer and closer to the Lord.

The Father relationship is deeply embedded into the character of who God is. God is love. He, as a loving Father, hears our prayers and our petitions. As a loving Father, he listens and understands our weaknesses. He disciplines and instructs in light of those weaknesses. He is patient and slow to anger because he loves.

The most faithful fathers that I have known—and by that definition, I mean those fathers whose children are still faithfully following the Lord Jesus—are the fathers who, though they are imperfect and although they may have failed in thousands and thousands of ways, were a persistent force of godly love and authority in their homes. They disciplined their children, but not out of anger. They gave wise counsel and instruction, but firmly and in love. They modeled that love in their love for their wives.

Being a consistent disciplinarian is key, but discipline separate from instruction, and lacking the grounds and security found in love, will embitter and cast children far away. Parenting children with disabilities has placed these things on the extreme. My wife and I have to discern, like every parent, what is childishness and foolishness. What is rebellion and what is a lack of skill or ability? What emotions are driven by fear, pain, and an inability to communicate, and what are driven by rebellion? This is far more difficult than it is with a typical child. But the love at the center of it all enables you to ground yourself in your own imperfections.

The love and humility of a parent who can apologize to their child when they themselves are sinful toward them shouts to the glory of Christ rather than a prideful, authoritarian parent who cannot admit their wrong. It reminds the child that we all submit to someone higher, and for us, that is our heavenly Father.

Faithfulness Matters Most

Robert Murray M’Cheyne wrote, “The greatest need of my people is my personal holiness.” This is true of ministers, and it is true of fathers as well. What my children need more than my discipline, or even the hugs and kisses at the end of the day, is that I would pursue my own personal holiness and relationship with my heavenly Father. They need to see me wrestle with my sins. They need to see me grow in patience and love, both toward them and their mother. They need to see and hear me wrestle with anxiety and pain and ultimately turn it over to the Lord.

If you want godly children, we have the opportunity to model it for them every single day in our childlike faith in our heavenly Father. For those who have children with disabilities, whether physical or intellectual, you have an even greater opportunity. With more burdens, we have the ability to cast even more upon the shoulders of Christ and see him bear our burdens well. We get to model what faithful dependence looks like.

As a parent of a child with disabilities, you may not be disabled yourself, but you bear the extra load in a way similar to what your child bears every day. Are you carrying it yourself or trusting in your Father to strengthen and lift you up.

Holiness is not simply an aura or a vibe around people who are considered spiritual. It is the growth in obedience that comes as we behold the light of the knowledge of the glory of God found in the face of Jesus Christ. In that beholding, we are being transformed, and as we are transformed and grow in our faith and dependence, we are modeling that for our children.

What it all comes down to is not, “Are you the perfect parent?” because you won’t be. It is, “Are you showing up day after day, growing in patience, growing in holiness, and growing closer to your heavenly Father?”

While there are no guaranteed outcomes as a parent, the closer we grow to the heart of the Father, the more faithfully we can lead our children toward him.

What a difference a year makes!

As I am writing this, I am coming off one of the best sports weekends of the year, with the Braves sweeping the Astros to clinch their 19th division title since the realignment 32 years ago, and the Gators defeating the Auburn Tigers, getting their first away win in 638 days. Things are looking well going into the fall for my two teams.

Last year, I wrote how, as sports fans, we model faithfulness to our teams even when they are down. But this year, as I have been reflecting, I am reminded of 2 Timothy 4:2:

“Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season.”

I have been in ministry now for over a decade and have seen the seasons come and go. I have seen times when preaching the Word is well received by both the lost and the saved, and times when you preach and people are ready to pick up pitchforks and hurl stones.

I am entering now my sixth year at my current church, and I am beginning to see God move in ways that I didn’t know were possible. We have seen more baptisms this year than we have seen in twelve years. We are seeing our student ministry grow and some signs of spiritual health that cannot be measured by numbers and charts.

As I celebrate these wins, sports reminds me that the faithfulness required for succeeding in ministry is not found in hopping from place to place. It is found in faithfully sowing, faithfully watering, praying, and seeing God work and move and bring the growth.

As a fan, the joy that you experience when your team succeeds is built upon the pain of the difficult seasons. The joy in the spiritual harvest is built in the sweat and labor put in during the difficult seasons.

“O fair sun, and fair moon, and fair stars, and fair flowers, and fair roses, and fair lilies, and fair creatures; but O ten thousand thousand times fairer Lord Jesus! Alas, I wronged Him in making the comparison this way! O black sun and moon, but O fair Lord Jesus! O black flowers, and black lilies and roses, but O fair, fair, ever fair Lord Jesus!”

What a majestic quote. The first time I heard it, it had been attributed to John Flavel. Any time I hear something like that, I start doing some digging and try to trace back the source. I thought I had found it within Flavel in his work The Fountain of Life Opened Up. It was in the introduction, but when I read it, I realized that he was quoting it as well. So the digging began all over again.

I came to discover that it was actually from Samuel Rutherford, written around 34 years before Flavel quoted it. It was found in a letter that Rutherford wrote to the Laird of Cally in 1637. Flavel later quoted Rutherford in The Fountain of Life Opened Up in a prefatory letter dated March 14, 1671, introducing the quotation simply as the words of “one” who had well said it.

If you have not read Rutherford’s Letters, or the smaller collection of quotes from them contained in The Loveliness of Christ, I cannot recommend them enough.

So much of our personal correspondence today is practical and driven by the moment-to-moment need. How refreshing it is to read a letter written to friends and co-laborers that goes deeper than the present moment, stretches into the eternal, and shares something beautiful. Rutherford, in writing on the beauty of Christ, gives us more than a poetic image of the glory and majesty found in Christ alone. He gives us a glimpse of what happens when a Christian has learned to behold Christ.

Beholding this beauty in the face of Christ is what brings transformation in us from glory to glory, as Paul says in 2 Corinthians 3:18:

“And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image...”

Paul goes on to say that this transformation is from one degree of glory to another and that it comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

You can tell that Rutherford is taking a page out of Paul’s letter writing and majestically weaving the truth of God into a personal letter. Paul is arguing that we become what we are beholding and understanding the beauty of the risen Jesus, who is the majestic God seen in Isaiah’s vision of the throne, who left that throne, took on the form of the slave, and endured the suffering that you and I deserve. The beauty of His overwhelming kindness and compassion towards us.

This beholding is what transforms us not only at the moment of salvation but every day as a believer. We have the gift of getting to spiritually see all of who God is in Christ. To experience not only His justice and law but His grace and mercy. We get to know Him and be His people. What a beautiful gospel message that not only are our sins forgiven, but in just a closer look and closer walk with Jesus, we are being changed from one degree of glory to another. We are being transformed into the image of God, the fullest image of God found in Jesus.

And perhaps this is what I find so compelling about Rutherford’s words. He was not merely describing Jesus beautifully. He was writing as someone who had been captivated by the beauty he was describing. What we behold shapes what we love, and what we love shapes the way we live. If Christ is truly the fairest object before our eyes, then His beauty ought to begin changing the way we see everything else.

This has begun to shape the way I think about my own writing. In writing about my children, disability advocacy, my ministry, and in all my work in the written word, I desire to behold the beauty of Christ and then help others see what I have seen. I want to write beautifully, expressing the glory and wonder of our God.

I want to write and express how, in my children, I see the beauty and wonder of a God who is a patient and kind heavenly Father who hears us when we cry. I see something of my Father in heaven when I watch my children stumble and fail. My own failing love as a father bursts forth from my heart, telling me that I would never leave or abandon my children. And in those moments, I hear something of the love that my Father in heaven has for me.

I want to write and express the wonder that Christ cares for the broken and hurting. When I look at the life of Jesus and listen to the words that flow from the Holy Spirit from the beginning to the end of the Bible, I see the care and compassion that comes from the heart of God toward children like mine.

And I want to see not only His compassion, but His beautiful wrath. The same God who tenderly cares for the hurting is also a just and righteous God whose wrath against sin is real. When sin enters the world, God is not a wicked judge who sits idly by, but out of an overflow of His love and compassion towards the hurting, slowly and patiently stores up His wrath for the Day of the Lord, when all evil shall be purged away.

There is beauty in the restraint of His anger. And in both my parenting and in my advocacy, I can learn to express godly criticism and channel my anger not from my wrath over slights towards me, but for the good of my children and those like them.

And perhaps this is where beholding Christ changes even something as ordinary as my anger. If I look primarily at the ways I have been wronged, my anger becomes centered on myself. But if I learn to look at the world through the holiness, compassion, and patience of Christ, anger can be redirected toward what harms those I love.

The same is true of ministry. I want to behold the beauty of Christ not only in my home and in the brokenness around me, but in the work of ministry itself.

As Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 3:1:

“Are we beginning to commend ourselves again?”

Paul then turns the entire idea of commendation on its head. The Corinthians themselves are his letter of recommendation, written on his heart and known and read by all. He explains that their lives are a letter from Christ, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God. He then says that our sufficiency is not in ourselves, but comes from God, who has made us ministers of a new covenant.

Paul expresses that to serve God in the ministry of the new covenant, of righteousness, of life, of the removed veil, of proclaiming Jesus Christ as Lord kind of ministry, that all of it is simply a mercy given to us by God to weak and vulnerable men. That we hold this treasure in jars of clay, and the more we are broken by the pains of ministry and the pains of life in this fallen world, we are struck down but not destroyed, persecuted but not abandoned.

Oh, what beauty that God would give us this mercy to see lives transformed from glory to glory. To see drunks trash the bottle, to see marriages restored, to see generations changed from death to life, to see saints live and die well.

What a mercy it is to work, to be worked on in my Father’s workshop as my Father’s piece of art. The more I behold the beauty of Christ, the more I realize that I am not merely looking at something beautiful. I am being made beautiful. The One I behold is the One whose image I am being transformed into.

Knowing that one day I will cast off this earthen vessel and be transformed into the fullness of the glory set aside for me in the name of Jesus Christ. And not only that, everyone that has believed that I have ever led to the Lord Jesus or ministered to imperfectly in this flawed world will be transformed into something so beautiful that the image of it would cause my heart to shudder now at this moment.

What a gift and mercy of our beautiful, beautiful Savior.

Yes, as Rutherford implied, the sun is beautiful, the stars are majestic and stun our hearts and minds at the infinite nature, the flowers cast our eyes down at the beauty and intricacies of their wonder and fragrance, and yet, in comparison to the beauties and wonder of our fairest Lord Jesus, they all fail.

As the hymn says:

Jesus is fairer, Jesus is purer
Who makes my woeful heart to sing.

Yet I think what surprised me most was the practical advice I got from older ministers. I would talk to them about where the church, in its practice or doctrine, would differ from what God’s Word says, and I would find myself shocked and discouraged. Essentially, the vast majority of the time, there would be some agreement on the topic, but the attitude had become, “That will never happen here or where I am serving.”

This wasn’t just pastors that I served alongside, but also ministers I would meet in associations and men that I would have looked at as mentors.

I have seen pastors chewed up and spit out by churches firsthand. It is a brutal experience. I have seen pastors attempt to make changes and have seen them shoved back down and been met with calls from those around them to resign.

Ministry is brutal, and I myself have been chewed up and spit out a time or two, yet my desire is to avoid the bitterness that accompanies this.

The first practical step I have taken around this trap has been to stay in the work.

“Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord.” — 1 Corinthians 15:58 (ESV)

I have seen pastors consistently leave after 18–36 months. This pushes the problem in both directions. From the pastor’s side, when we leave “because the Lord is calling us,” and by that we mean the obstacles became too much, it conditions us to expect failure and keep hoping things will be better. For the churches, it can destroy the trust in their pastor and end up building systems required to fill the leadership vacuum.

The second practical step I would take is stay. Stay faithful to Christ and His Bride. Watch your life and doctrine.

“Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. Persist in this, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers.” — 1 Timothy 4:16 (ESV)

Ministry is a fire; it can either purify you or burn you to a crisp. Staying faithful and close to Christ, even when it is tough, enables you to persist in love for the body.

The longer you stay, the more you see God working. Maybe not in those you would expect, but you can see your biggest opponents become your biggest supporters. You can see people who kept their distance start to draw near. Staying close to Christ enables you to forgive and press on. Christ did not abandon His disciples when they spoke foolishly, and He didn’t smite the Pharisees every time they questioned Him. He persistently rebuked and reproved.

The third step out of this trap should not surprise you: it is to stay. Stay in prayer.

“Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.” — Colossians 4:2 (ESV)

Pray that God would expand your love for His people. Look to clear examples in the Apostle Paul’s letters that, despite the flaws in the church, he stays in contact, stays in prayer, and never gives up on the people of God, despite the suffering he endures.

So many pastors get burned out because their vision, theology, and plans don’t come to fruition in the timeline they set in their hearts. If you want your church to be more evangelistic, stay. If you want your church to be better at discipleship, stay. If you feel led to lead your church in disability ministry, stay. If you desire for your church to be healthier and turn toward a more biblical model of ministry, stay. Be faithful and trust the Lord to build his house and grow his people.

Let love conquer the bitterness, and don’t give Satan room to work.

Stay, and stay faithful.

Now, I know many of you reading this are probably saying, “Duh. We believe that God can answer prayers.” There is a difference between affirming the truth and experiencing it. We can affirm that God answers prayer, but believing it is another thing. As I was driving I sincerely was experiencing the joy of the Lord that overcame me with that thought that my Heavenly Father can do it.

I am not saying that our faith or belief is what bends the will of God to act, but instead, our faith is trusting that He is able. “And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us” (1 John 5:14).

This whole experience caused my mind to go in two directions and to see the overlap between them. Jesus, in His teaching on the persistence of prayer, gives the illustration of the annoying neighbor and the persistent widow. The premise is that our prayers should be filled with faith and persistence toward the Lord. Jesus tells us to “ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you” (Matthew 7:7). In the parable of the persistent widow, Jesus teaches that we “ought always to pray and not lose heart” (Luke 18:1).

I have two sons with disabilities. One is non-verbal, and another would best be described as non-conversational. One has physical damage and delays that prevent him from vocalizing, and the other has a great many words but is non-conversational and typically is limited to one-word responses or phrases designed as requests.

Yet none of these limitations have limited their reliance upon me as a father. They cannot often vocalize their desires, but they can make their requests clear to me as their father. Often, I can understand them because my closeness to them helps me to understand what each cough, hand grab, sound, and motion means.

My sons often misunderstand my responses or struggle to express their displeasure with my responses. There are things that I can’t do, there are things I won’t do, and there are things that I won’t do right now. My answers to their requests will be Yes, No, and Wait. Even with the “yes,” their ability to understand the time that it takes me to fulfill their request is hard for them.

How often am I like this myself with my heavenly Father?

My children have childlike faith in me. They believe that there is nothing I cannot do. It breaks my heart when it is something I physically or financially can’t do. It even breaks my heart sometimes when it is something that I won’t do right now, if they cannot understand why I am asking them to wait. But at this phase in life, they still believe that there is nothing I cannot do for them.

What a glory it is to reflect on my heavenly Father. There is really nothing that He cannot do. How wonderful is it that my heavenly Father is a God of love who loves to hear my prayers and loves to answer them. His answers are sometimes “No,” and sometimes they are “Wait,” but how glorious that He really can and does hear us and answer. As Jesus reminds us, if earthly fathers know how to give good gifts to their children, “how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11).

My house is rarely empty between our children, nurses, therapists, teachers, friends, church members, and others. One thing I find funny is how my children have also learned that when I don’t respond immediately, they can get someone else to intercede on their behalf. They have learned to get partners in their crime.

They will ask anyone in our house for what they are looking for. This often leads to me moving with a greater fervency to help answer their request.

In the same way, when I am extremely burdened for something, I can take it to my brothers and sisters in Christ and ask them to join me in prayer. Again, the amount of people praying does not bend the will of God, but it does expand the glory of our God as we seek prayer partners.

Paul, in 2 Corinthians, tells the church at Corinth to pray so that others would see how God delivers and answers, and then we have doubled the glory given to our God. He writes, “You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many” (2 Corinthians 1:11).

The greater my dependence grows on my heavenly Father, the more I find my prayers becoming like my children’s requests: simple, persistent, and believing. Rather than setting out long times for prayer, my prayers become continuous throughout the day. Vacillating between adoration, confession, thanksgiving, and requests, it just flows out and becomes the air that I breathe. Scripture tells us to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17), and I have found that this kind of prayer is less about setting aside a particular moment to pray and more about living throughout the day in conscious dependence upon my Father.

Refer a friend

I have found in this season not a solution to all my problems, but just a simple trust that my God knows and hears. A faith that enables me to just keep praying, knowing He can and will answer and do what He knows is best for me. “Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). I trust that He will give me rest, He will use me in ministry, and He will answer the prayers that draw me closer to His heart. Like a good father, He delights to answer the prayers closest to His heart. He delights for me to rely upon Him when I am doing what He has called me to do.

You may not be in this place, and I haven’t always been, but I want you to know it’s there and to help you find the simple joy in it. Just ask. See it when He says yes. Share it when He says yes. Believe He has what’s best in mind for you when He says no or wait. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5).

What a glorious truth: you get the opportunity to go to your heavenly Father in this same way. You can go believing that He can.

Recently, I was reading Good and Angry by David Powlison, and I cannot recommend this book highly enough. He helped me gain the biblical wisdom to face this battle.

I have found within modern Christianity the way this is dealt with is an all-out ignoring of it or attempts at fighting it with therapeutic or worldly techniques. While I can agree that taking a deep breath and assessing your surroundings can help you get ahold of yourself and find self-control, it will not overcome the beast of anger in the long run.

So what is anger? According to Powlison,“Anger is the fighting emotion. Anger is the justice emotion. Anger is the deliver-the-oppressed-from-evil emotion. It stems from love for the needy. All of us come wired with a sense of justice.”

Essentially, it is our emotional response to injustice. Anger flows from love. Anger perceives that something is unjust and attempts to correct it. This makes it a powerful weapon. Yet, as Powlison argues, it comes from the heart of God first.

God is love, and therefore, although He is slow to anger, He responds appropriately to injustice. We are made in His image, and from the moment that we become aware of injustices in this life, specifically those directed toward ourselves, we are able to become angry.

I see this on the daily in my household. Between my three boys, while my wife and I, along with the gifts of friends and family, have more than enough toys, tablets, and attention, as best as possible, to go around, desires and injustices appear to flow on the daily.

One child desires to play with a specific toy, and the other child, unaware, is laying on said toy. This unleashes the fury of a thousand suns from the fists of doom wielded by my three-year-old. Punches and kicks are thrown, and the tears can flow in the few seconds before Mom or Dad can step in to intercede.

You see, my son, just like me, has an overwhelming sense of self-love. He loves himself and values his joys and his pleasure, and so when he perceives an injustice being done to him, he lashes out with anger.

This is the image of God in him, but the image of God tainted by sin. God is a God of justice, and although He is described as slow to anger, He pours out His justice.

Refer a friend

Apathy When We Should Be Angry

Because anger is the justice emotion, if viewed not as something to be harnessed and handled with care but as something to be ignored altogether, then we refuse to direct it in the right direction.

Anger is the fight-for-the-oppressed emotion. This means that as believers in Jesus, we, like Jesus, have the calling to be angry but in control. We must be angry at injustice.

I would argue that our anger is tainted and dangerous because our love is tainted and dangerous. We fail to love what God loves and who God loves, and so our anger flows down at the wrong things.

We get angry at the weather. We get angry at traffic. We get angry at our fellow believers. We get angry at our family. And although we sometimes would be loath to admit it, we get angry at our Creator.

This all happens because our love for ourselves has been distorted, and our love for God and neighbor has failed.

When we seek to see the world and the minutiae of our lives from the heavenly perspective, then the love that flows will be a love that directs us to be slow to anger, controlled in our anger, and directing our anger at the things we need to be angry about.

The Cross

In the cross, we see the ultimate overlap of love and anger in the character of God.

God, in His great love for His own glory and for His creation, hates sin and the destruction that it has brought. He abhors the evils that have destroyed humanity.

Each one of us has committed sins against Him and our fellow human beings, earning us complete separation and suffering in a place called Hell.

Yet God, in His overflowing and abounding love, desired to love us in spite of all of this. So He sent His Son, Jesus, who went willingly to the cross and endured the wrath that we deserve.

When and How to Be Angry

The prime example of Jesus’ anger toward injustice is seen in the cleansing of the temple. In Mark 11:15–17, Jesus enters the temple and drives out those buying and selling. He overturns the tables of the money changers and the seats of those selling pigeons, and He says, “Is it not written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer for all the nations’? But you have made it a den of robbers.”

Jesus was angry because the house of God was intended to be a house of prayer. When the name of our God is blasphemed and turned toward wicked ends, it should anger us.

The Court of the Gentiles was the outer portion of the Temple complex where Gentiles could worship. It was also the area beyond which certain people who were excluded from the inner courts—including those with certain physical disabilities and certain forms of ritual impurity—could not go.

Think about this. The very place where those who could not enter farther into the Temple could come and worship God had become a marketplace.

But notice what Jesus quotes: “My house shall be called a house of prayer for all the nations.” The worship of God was being corrupted, and those whom God had invited to worship were being hindered by the very people who were supposed to facilitate that worship.

It angered Him that people were being prevented from coming to God in prayer.

His anger flowed because of His love for people and His love for His Father.

Notice this was not a common occurrence in the life and ministry of Jesus, but His anger came out in other ways, often toward the religious leaders when they were going after the truth or others.

This is where we must be careful as Christians. The answer to our anger is not simply to suppress it. Nor is the answer to unleash it whenever we feel that we have been wronged. We must learn to love what God loves so that we can become angry at what God is angry about.

Our anger is often sinful because our love is sinful. We love ourselves, our comfort, our preferences, our schedules, our possessions, and our reputation. And when those things are threatened, our anger comes roaring out. We call it righteous indignation when, in reality, it is often nothing more than self-love defending its territory.

For us, our anger needs to remain under control and fueled not with a sense of personal vengeance, but slowly approached and slowly executed in love or in service of the truth of our God and the love of others.

The Christian must learn a different kind of anger.

Our anger must be directed toward the right object. It must be motivated by the right love. And it must be expressed according to the will of God.

Jesus gives us the perfect picture. He was angry at hardness of heart because He loved the suffering man. He was angry at the corruption of the temple because He loved His Father and desired that the nations would come and worship Him. His anger was righteous because it was directed toward the right object, motivated by the right love, and expressed according to God’s will.

That is the kind of anger we should seek—not anger that burns everything around us, but anger that burns for the glory of God and the good of others.

“When God closes a door, He opens a window.”

That is found nowhere in Scripture. In fact, the references to an open door don’t even always mean that the door is for you.

Paul, in his second letter to the Corinthians, gives the church several updates on his ministry activities as a defense of his actions and as a means of showing the church his love and affection for them.

Paul, in detailing this, describes how when he left and went to Troas, he went to find his brother Titus there and to do some ministry there. In just two verses, he details what led him to leave, and it connects to the heart of what Paul is doing in this letter. It shows us the heart we should have for God’s people and the trust we should have in the Lord.

A Door Opened For Me

This is the same language Paul uses in 1 Corinthians 16 when he says that he stayed in Ephesus because a wide door for effective ministry had been opened to him. Paul was referring there to his ministry in Ephesus, which was arguably one of his most effective seasons of ministry. Acts 19 records that Paul taught daily in the Hall of Tyrannus, and this teaching resulted in the gospel spreading throughout all of Asia. Between those who traveled through, heard the gospel, and went back home and those who would have been trained for ministry during this season, it was a very fruitful season of ministry.

Paul arrives in Troas and says essentially that a door was opened for ministry there. We know from Acts that Troas was a place where Paul had already experienced significant ministry. On another visit, Paul spent time with the believers there, and on the Lord’s Day they gathered together to hear him teach. Paul continued speaking late into the night, and a young man named Eutychus, who was sitting in a window, became drowsy, fell asleep, and fell from the third story. He was taken up dead, but Paul went down, embraced him, and told the believers not to be alarmed because his life was in him. God miraculously restored the young man’s life.

Yet even after this extraordinary event, the believers continued gathering with Paul, and he continued teaching until daybreak.

The Acts account gives us a picture of Troas as a place where Paul had experienced genuine spiritual hunger and fruitful ministry. So when Paul says that a door had been opened for him in Troas, we can understand why this would have appeared to be a significant ministry opportunity.

The door for ministry was open. The ground had been fertilized.

There was every reason to believe that Paul could have continued fruitful ministry there.

Paul, however, does not stay.

My Spirit Was Not at Rest, So I Left

Paul was in turmoil because he had expected Titus to be there, but he wasn’t. Paul expected to hear what God had done at Corinth through Titus, but upon finding this fertile ground for ministry, he does not abandon Titus or the Corinthians.

We don’t learn that Paul had heard from Titus until Chapter 7. Paul feels this deep burden and concern for this church and is working with them through this trial and this issue. Although he did not return to Corinth at this point, he wants them to know that he is being led and motivated by his love for the Corinthians.

Pastoral Application

What Paul does goes so against both the culture of his day and ours. We think that our success is the ultimate marker and determining factor in what we do. If it is ministry, it is the greener pastures of a larger church or a larger influence. In other areas, it may be a larger paycheck or more followers on social media.

For Paul, his guiding principle was the abundant love he had for God’s people and his desire to see God’s mission fulfilled. He trusted and knew that God in Christ was leading him, even if it was away from what looked like surefire success. He was following after Christ, who has all authority in heaven and on earth and who, through His death and resurrection, has brought life and victory through the cross.

If you are in ministry, does your love guide your ministry? What guides you in how you choose to do what God has called you to do? That a question when the church across the state calls and asks you to submit a resume or your looking at resigning on a hard Monday morning.

But it is also a question for the thousands and thousands of little choices you make everyday as a minister. Ministry for some can best be described as an infinite amount of tasks that are possible with an extremely finite number of resources. We have to trust the infinite creator of the universe who has called us into our position to guide us and give us rest each night. In ministry with every yes we are also shouting an infinite number of no’s out into the world. And often this can feel like we are abandoning God’s work in one area for another.

Paul did not view leaving Troas as abandoning God’s work. He immediately follows his account of leaving with these words:

You see, the Apostle Paul was confident in God that, no matter what direction he was led, the aroma of Christ would be evident through his ministry. If you are a believer in Christ seeking to be a faithful witness, trust that Christ, who has authority over all of heaven and earth, has a ministry set aside for you. He works through your love for His people and brings the results He desires in all regions.